CINCINNATI - Convergys Corporation, a leader in applied job movement, this week announced a new CEO outsourcing program. To find out more, we interviewed Jim Orr, CEO of Convergys, and Prakash Venkatram, a recent hire in Bangalore, India.

Dealer: Jim, would you explain CEO outsourcing?

Jim Orr: CEO outsourcing, or CEOO, allows companies to reduce overhead at the top by utilizing comparable offshore resources.

Dealer: By at the top, you mean CEOs, like yourself?

Jim Orr: Yessirree. C-E-Os. The head honchos. The big cahunas. I call 'em Costly Executive Officers.

Dealer: Should CEOs be worried about CEOO?

WEST CHESTER - In yet another blow to the spirit of Christmas, a warm air mass malingered in the region December 25th, depriving local residents of a snowy Christmas morn.

Though Channels 5, 9, and 12 constantly bombarded their airwaves with dopplerganger ads predicting ferocious blizzards just beyond every horizon, Mother Nature had other plans for the area. 

Citizens for Family Values spokesman Jack Offethome suggested that the balmy weather, unlike the wishing of a "Happy Holiday," might not be yet another sign of ungodliness. 

"Our President, in his wisdom, understands that God has given mankind the duty and responsibility to make use of the Earth as he sees fit.  Any attempt to place the health and welfare of so-called 'eco-systems' on the same plane as that of humanity is a satanic attempt to undermine mankind's dominion over bird, beast, and flower."

A family man said he just had a bad day after he was arrested for killing his wife, his teenage daughter and her boyfriend in their home, police said.

And by all accounts, we shouldn't hold any grudges against the guy.  I mean heck, who doesn't have a bad day every now and then.

His day started off poorly when the turkey came out a little dry and his wife forgot to pick up some cranberry sauce.  Little Bobby Richardson was also complaining that he did not get an X-box 360 under the tree.  But what really set Michael Richardson over the edge is when his neighbor wished him a 'Happy Holiday.'

From there came a rain of bullets mixed with screams of "Just Say Merry Christmas!"

Let this be a lesson to all the little boys and girls out there.  When dad says "don't make me come back there," he means it!

In related news PETA is holding protests outside the jail Michael Richardson is being held in since Richardson killed his dogs too.  "That's just going a little too far," says PETA supporter Gary Manders.

Creek Road, Sharonville.  Yes, that's "Glory to GOD in the highest" spelled out on the front lawn in Christmas lights in front of a life-sized manger.

Classifieds

For Sale - Cozy 2 story house at 15 Laycock Lane in Newport Kentucky.  Minor stains on walls & carpets.  Scene of mass family murder.  Must see to believe!!!  Contact realtor Shelly Barnes with West Shell for more details.

Wanted - City maintenance supervisor. Temp to permanent.  Salary: $40,000/year.  Duties include: waking up late, staying at home, reading a book occasionally - but only if you want to!  If interested, call City Hall at 513-352-GOOF.

SAN MAR GALE? - Amid rolling hills and valleys in rural Warren County, William Hines and Daniel Griffin want to open a can of instant city mix.

Dubbed San Mar Gale, the planned community calls for over 2,000 homes and 400 town homes to be developed out of nothing. 

Supporters call the planned community an improvement over hodge-podge development. Opponents, calling the plan "Not-so-Pleasantville", fear environmental impact on forests and rivers.

In answer to critics, "We know what we're doing. After all, we've  hired 40 of the best golf course designers in the country to plan our country club, er, San Mar Gale," said Hines, of Indian Hill.

"I don't want to ruffle any feathers up there. They're going to be our neighbors for 30 years, whether they like it or not."

CINCINNATI - In only his second Council meeting, newcomer Chris Bortz abstained from two city development issues on the agenda, citing a conflict of interest.

Bortz, counselor for family-owned Towne Properties - founded by his father Neil and run by his uncle Arn - cannot by law vote on any issue in which he is financially or personally interested in.

With so many development, property, and housing related issues facing the city at the moment, some City Hall watchers think Bortz should just not vote on anything.

"Maybe he can vote on reducing Council salaries or something, but I think that's about it," said Bill Keegan of downtown. 

OXFORD - Admitting there's a problem is the first step Miami.  Now, with help and medication, you can move on.

Appearing on "The U", a five-disc DVD set showcasing midwest colleges, Miami students tell all. Whether or not the videos are for comedy, recruiting, information, or none of the above is unclear. But the quotes are hilarious!

"If you're willing to spend, like, a lot of money on your jeans, this is probably the right place for you."

"Appearance is key here," with the goal being, "How rich can I look?"

"Hi, Daddy, thanks for paying for my alcohol."

"I can't stuff my face fast enough."

ARNOLD'S - Clear out the bathtub, Vixen, the Monologues are comin' to town!  In a raunchy and racy tell-all performance, The Know Theatre Tribe has caught Santa with his red leggings hanging down around his ankles. 

This reviewer says "kudos" to The Tribe for its brave telling of an age-old tale.  This is a production not for the squeamish.  But if the mental picture of a saggy Mrs. Claus (replete with pasties and a crotch-clinging elf) whooping it up at the North Pole office party makes your bells jingle, then it's time to rush on over to the venerable saloon and take your seat with all the other merry pervs getting their jollies at the expense of a fat old Saint and eight horny, bitter, reindeer. 

CINCINNATI - After winning the AFC North Division title Sunday, the Bengals refused to say what they had planned for their locker-room celebration.

"Acapulco Gold," coach Marvin Lewis was heard muttering to his offensive coordinator. When asked what this meant, Lewis refused to comment.

"We need to keep this in the family," Lewis said.

When pressed in the locker room, Carson Palmer broke into a huge grin, but remained tight-lipped.

Shane "Golden" Graham lit a small cigar that he referred to as "bluntie." A noxious cloud of blue smoke and steam hung over the room.

"I don't know," said Willie Anderson, "but I think we're going to eat out later."