Classifieds

What do you give the sports nut who has everything? We scoured the greater Cincinnati area and found these unique gifts.

Armein "Captain" Kirkland Gift Basket. Contains hand-crafted replicas of UC guard/forward Kirkland's basketball shots. $75.
Junior Bearcat Make-Your-Own-Headline Kit. Contains automobile and three-gallon jug of grain alcohol. Suitable for repeated use. $35,000.
Xavier Tournament Sweatshirt. Celebrate Xavier's participation in last year's postseason basketball tournament. $40.
Eric Milton Action Figure. Pitching arm not included. $25.5 million over three years.
Bengals Pass-Rush Training Set. Can you battle past the obstacles? The Bengals' defensive line almost can! $300.

CINCINNATI - America's favorite couple, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson (also known as Nessica Limpson and Jick Sachey), called it quits just before Thanksgiving.

Near as we can tell, here are the top ten reasons for the breakup:

10. Nick tired of gorgeous blondes with fake breasts

9. Jessica to Nick: "Quit fucking my co-stars."

8. Nick to Jessica: "You don't need another Louis Vuitton."

NEWPORT - Gomez is a dead end, or so it appears.  The man in the velour suit wants money.  Lots of money.  Money that I just don't have, not after my recent botox procedures.  I leave the Westend Tavern, telling him I will keep in touch.

My mind reels with unanswered questions. Where is Blaine?  What or who is he hiding from?   Though my efforts to raise funds through a collection at the Dealer office nets only 3 jellybeans and a filthy penny, I am heartened by the number of kind people who contact me throughout the week, expressing concern for their favorite media personality, letting me know that I am not alone in my despair.

Louella Parsons, a 70-year-old lady with lungs of iron, calls to let me know that she played Bingo last Thursday with a man fitting Blaine's description.

"He's tall, isn't he?"

No, not really.

"Smells nice?"

No, not really.

"Well, that picture of him with the pig really meant a lot to me.  My granddaddy used to raise pigs."

I thank her for getting in touch with me, and then ask her to spread the word among her network of bingo-playing friends.  These women hold the pulse of Northern Kentucky in their gnarled fingers.

Cincinnati native, John Hicks became the 999th execution in the United States since 1977.  Capital punishment began again in 1977 after a 10 year hiatus.  The Cincinnati Dealer was fortunate to find that John Hicks graciously did not object to a final interview.
 
CINCINNATI DEALER:  So, how does it feel to be the 999th execution in the US since 1977?

JOHN HICKS:

CD: It’s a shame you didn’t make it to be the 1000th customer.  It turns out that Robin Lovitt got his sentence commuted to life.  Do you feel any bitterness having just missed the prize?

HICKS:

CD: Your request for a last meal included a Pepsi.  Is there any truth to the rumor that this was a product placement deal between you and the Pespi Corporation?

CD:  Ah, yes.  I see.  Coke certainly has caused you more than enough trouble in your life.  So what do you plan to do with your new found fame?

CD:  Yeah, it is kind of ironic that drugs got you into this mess to start with and the state chose to end it with more drugs, ala lethal injection.  You could say that you are almost a poster child for the “drugs kill” theme.

CD:  Ha, ha, ha.  I know.  I know.  I just can’t resist a good joke.  It’s good to see you are keeping a stiff upper lip all things considered.

CD:  Mind if I smoke?

DOWNTOWN - Newly-elected Mayor Mark Mallory announced his choice for Vice-Mayor on Monday:  Principal Skinner. 

It comes as no surprise to most supporters that Mallory chose Skinner for the position. 

"I can't have any scandals during my tenure," Mallory explained at Monday's press conference.  "And the only way to insure that there are no scandals is to pick a man even more harmless than me.  That choice was quite clear."

Mallory, who lives with his parents and doesn't drink alcohol, found common ground with Skinner, who lives with his mother, doesn't drink alcohol, and doesn't eat sugar.

Seymour Skinner, Principal of Springfield Elementary, immediately accepted Mallory's offer, vowing "I promise to never put my own interests above the duty and responsibility that comes with the office of Vice Mayor.  The interests of Mother, however, are quite a different story." 

Skinner, upon hearing his mother yell "Seymour!  The cracks in the sidewalk are offending me!  Cover all of them up!" sheepishly walked off with his head lowered, muttering "Yes, Mother."

Inside

The City Is Gonna Do WHAT Again?
Norwood Buys Ambulance Off eBay

The City Is Gonna Do WHAT Again?

Cincinnati's (interim) city manager has proposed a $500,000 tax incentive package to U.S. Bank to create 125 new jobs.  To maintain this pattern of paying handouts to people for something they should be doing anyway, experts predict the city will soon start giving city payroll tax breaks to employees who show up to work.

Norwood Buys Ambulance Off eBay

On the heels of last week's sweet walkie talkie find on eBay, Norwood again seeks to fill a public safety need by bidding on a used ambulance on the popular auction site.

Said Norwood mayor Tom Williams, "I don't understand. We keep bulldozing houses, but we still need all this safety equipment. Well, we were so pleased with the police radios, we're going for this ambulance on the interweb. If this goes well, expect a lot more eBay merchandies around the city!"

DOWNTOWN -- Local journalist and coke-fiend Blaine Chowder has been missing for one week.  Concerned family and friends are asking for your help in finding him. Follow along as our award-winning writer Patricia Cake frantically searches for any sign of her honorable colleague.

I start at the seedy underbelly, or stinky armpit, of the Tri-State.  It has been said that every creative genius has his demons; Blaine, it seems, has more than most.  I stop first at a well-known strip club, where word of Blaine's disappearance cuts to the core.

"My Gawd!  Where'd he git to?" cries Pollyanna Stephanopholous, staff member at the Brass Ass.  "I miss those gold dollars he used to insert into my g-string."  I ask the obviously distraught adult entertainer if she has any thoughts on what might have become of the suave wordsmith/super-secret IRS agent.  "I dunno!  I dunno!  Gawd, where'd he go!? How'm I gonna get Lil' Paulie through tap dancing school without Blainey?"  Attempts to revive Ms. Stephanopholous by waving whiskey in front of her face fail repeatedly.

"I'd suggest looking for Gomez," whispers a large hairy gentleman exhibiting an obvious distrust of the media.  "Leave my dancer(s) alone and go bother Gomez.  You'll find him at the Westend Tavern." 

Dealer correspondent Tina Fey reports on Schmidt's backtracking. Click to play!

WASHINGTON, DC - Just 3 months after winning Ohio District 2 by a paltry 3.5% margin of victory, U.S. House Rep. Jean Schmidt made national headlines on Friday, after personally attacking retired Marine Corps colonel and fellow House Rep. John Murtha for his motion to set a timetable for pulling troops out of Iraq.

In relating a phone call she received from Ohio state Rep. Danny R. Bubp of West Union, a colonel in the Marine Corps Reserve, she lectured that "...cowards cut and run, Marines never do."

After Schmidt's comments were drowned out by boos and yelling, prompting a 10-minute recess, she returned to the podium to backpeddle, asking for "unanimous consent that my words be withdrawn."

Tri-staters who supported Schmidt's campaign argued that she had been wrongfully intimidated into withdrawing her remark, which was not a personal attack because she was simply relaying an opinion from a constituent in her district.

After learning of this "personal attack loophole," Ohio District 10 Rep. Dennis Kucinich opened Monday's session by reading an email received from Josh Fernsler, a Sociology Major and pot-head from the University of Toledo, who stated that Schmidt was "nothing but a 2-bit whore."

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NORWOOD - When Carl Lindner heard that the city of Norwood lacked the funds to purchase new police radios, he felt it was time the private sector raised the stakes.

After researching the needs of officers on the street, Lindner used his vast web of contacts to identify several models that met Norwood requirements.

EBay seller auntie_q offered a sweet G.I. Joe model featuring a telescopic antenna and "push and hold" talk button.