Classifieds

Wanted - 1 bullet or sturdy rope.  Seller must accept post dated checks or credit.  Call 513-579-6464, ask for Hunter.

10. The Bird Man - Somewhere during the opening of Sleepybird at Japps, someone in a bird costume broke out in some sort of interpretive dance and then promptly went to sleep at the base of the stage until the end of the set. The music was fantastic but the fucking bird stole the show.

The music: B

The Bird: A+

9. The Fight - Rarely do I go out and not witness a fight. Tonight's match-up was mildly entertaining. As usual, some yuppie toughies thought that they had cornered the market on being men. And when they started some shit with some greasers from down south, they looked like they were going to prove their manhood, until they were spotted by the police being the aggressors. Call the paddy wagon! Three of the four got cuffed and stuffed and two of the three cried like babies as they swore to police that they would go straight home if they were let go. And one kept saying he was going to lose his job if he got arrested. The greasers pretended to be the victims and were told to go away by the police. Yuppie toughies go to jail!

Grade: B+

8. The guy that thought he knew me - Some assbag followed me around for 15 minutes swearing on his mother's life that he knew me. "I can't quite place it, but I know I know you." 30 questions later he concluded that he didn't know me. His poor mother. Let me be the first to say, RIP.

Grade: F-

CINCINNATI - After three solid wins to open the season, the Bengals are one of four unbeaten teams in the NFL. The national media has taken notice; ESPN placed the Bengals fourth in this week's NFL power rankings. With each win, the odds increase for a season-crippling event.

In response to the best team's start since 1990, worried Bengals fans have curled into the fetal position on couches everywhere. Current bets available at local sports books include:

1. Cincinnati-style DUI of highly public Bengals coach: 5-1
2. Chad "7/11" Johnson tears ACL during touchdown jig: 8-1
3. Rich Braham tears ACL during touchdown jig: 150-1
4. In fourth quarter of sixteenth consecutive Bengals win, Paul Brown Stadium is swallowed into the earth and flooded by the Ohio River as unicorns storm the field and trample the entire team, including the practice squad: 14-1

THE INTERNET - A Tuesday ESPN SportsCenter poll shows a mere 95% of Bengals fans approve of the job head coach Marvin Lewis is doing with the Bengals.

In the past three years, Lewis has turned the most inept franchise in professional sports into a top-ranked team, and is off to a 3-0 start. However, as dissatisfied fans pointed out, he has not yet beaten a team this year by over two hundred points; additionally, Lewis cannot fly, and lacks the ability to turn iron ore into silver using only the power of his mind.

CINCINNATI - Ken Griffey Jr. postponed his season-ending injury until September 4th, two months later than Las Vegas odds makers had predicted.

Griffey injured his right foot while routinely running the bases in a game in Atlanta. Although initially listed as day-to-day, Griffey would not play again.

At Thursday's press conference, fans stood and cheered for Griffey and the five-month caution that allowed him to hit .301 with 35 homers and 92 RBIs in 128 games.

Inside

I Love You Paula Faris
Football Fan Needs A Life

I Love You Paula Faris

It was with great sadness that I read about Paula Faris' impending departure ("Faris to anchor in Chicago", Sept 27).  Now, it is too late to express what I have kept inside for so long: Paula, I love you.

You're the sole reason I tuned into Channel 9 at 11 pm on weekends. Your glowing personality and stylish outfits more than compensate for the torture that is John Matarese. I could even withstand Popo at times when you were in the same segment.

I wish you would stay, but I understand that the Windy City calls. If you find yourself back in the Queen City, look me up.

John Sizemore, Downtown

DOWNTOWN - On the heels of Nat Comisar running a Cincinnati institution into the ground, an anonymous owner has abruptly bought all of the Maisonette's assets, including the name.

A shadowy spokesman from the buyer, who would only be identified as 'Ronald' said, "We want to capitalize on the Maisonette brand, but make the atmosphere more casual. We've changed the logo slightly, and we're planning to add in the near future a feature that I like to call Le Playland in front of the restaurant."

EDGEWOOD – The Edgewood City Council would regret enacting proposed noise-reduction and safety standards for all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), according to Village Drive resident and ATV owner Don Dowd. In a September 20 Enquirer article, Dowd claims:

...A stronger nuisance ordinance could have the unintended consequence of creating more disputes than it solves. "If someone already had a problem with their neighbor, this could help them find a way to nitpick that person," he said.

Indeed, logic and science tell us that providing ATV nuisance guidelines, which clearly spell out what behavior is acceptable and what is considered a "nuisance," cannot solve disputes. Wait, that's exactly wrong.

RANDOM SUBURB - In an effort to stand out from all the other Greater Cincinnati suburbs, Blue Ash has hired a marketing consultant for $63,000 to help "brand" the city. Working with city officials, the consultant has created the following candidate slogans for the campaign.

Editor's Note: Actual statements from the article.

Blue Ash: Like Many Suburbs Around Cincinnati

Blue Ash: Unlike Many of Its Neighbors

Blue Ash: Includes Economic, Lifestyle, and Residential Elements

Blue Ash: 35 Percent Industrial/Commercial

Blue Ash: Boasts a Sprawling, Modern Recreation Center

Blue Ash: The Time Is Right to Solidify a Vision

Blue Ash: Trying to Continue or Rejuvenate Its Economic Development