CINCINNATI - Elijah Skunkle passed away yesterday from natural causes after jumping out of a 9th story window at the corner of 4th and Vine. He was 31. Mr. Skunkle was a stocks trader for Brimmel and Harold. He leaves behind 16 pairs of shoes. Three had tassels.

CINCINNATI - Charles Lammers passed away yesterday from natural causes after jumping out of a 15th story window at the corner of 4th and Vine. He was 31. Lammers was a stocks trader for Brimmel and Harold. He leaves behind, a mess.

"Hugs are good, but kisses are better," added Zimpher with a wink.

OVER-THE-RHINE - On April 20, 2005, Kaldi's Coffee House & Bookstore closed its doors forever. In the tradition of the Diner on Sycamore and other downtown businesses that go in and out of business at random, Kaldi's is now under new ownership, and had its grand opening last Friday.

CINCINNATI - With the issue of crime hotter than a burning meth lab, and potentially a deciding issue in the upcoming mayoral race, the Cincinnati Dealer hosted a mayoral debate earlier this week, moderated by Staff Writer Dave Akadjian. Here is the transcript of that debate.

Dealer: What will you do about crime if elected mayor?

David Pepper: I’m fighting for a safer Cincinnati.

Alicia Reece: Who doesn’t want a safer Cincinnati?

Mark Mallory: I’m for the safest Cincinnati.

Charlie Winburn: I intend to make Cincinnati the safe-safiest.

Justin Jeffre: When crime is relative to socio-economic …

Dealer: Next question. Which type of crime affects Cincinnatians the most?

Thanks to an act of God, Cincinnati has moved up by one ranking in Forbe’s “Best City for Singles” list.  Forbes regularly compiles pseudo factual lists ranking cities, people & businesses in an effort to drum up attention for itself and sales of it’s magazine.

In July’s edition, Cincinnati jumped from 39th place to 30th place after Forbes actually bothered to collect some data.  Many people suspected there was more than a half dozen bars & restaurants in town, but Forbes had trouble tracking down such facts.

Now that more than 80% of New Orleans (previously ranked 26th) has sunk underwater, Cincinnati should naturally expect to jump up to 29th place.

Justin Jeffre: The people of this city need strong leadership, bold leadership - strong and bold leadership. My record of leadership speaks for itself. I was a lead backup singer. Also, as a leader, I was the very first candidate in Cincinnati to propose a reality show to VH1.

Sylvan Grisco: This city needs more foot traffic. More business districts where people can walk. As a retired shoemaker, I know all about foot traffic, and walking. And people need shoes for walking.

Sandra Queen Noble: The Germans are coming, the Germans are coming. This so-called Queen City needs a queen, a noble queen, noble queen Sandra.

"You think I'm merely out to change the University of Cincinnnati's national reputation?  Hogwash," said Zimpher at Tuesday's press conference, where she announced the purchase of Sizzle for $800 and a fold-out couch.  "No, I'm afraid it's much bigger than that.  I will not rest until every Cincinnati sports team starts putting what's most important first: education."

WEST CHESTER TWP. - New U.S. Census estimates indicate that minority population growth rates are booming in suburban Butler and Warren counties. For example, Lakota East High School now boasts at least two Asian students.

Lifelong county resident Pat South appreciates the change, citing all the new exotic restaurants. "I love Mexican food now. The restaurants are so ethnic. My favorite is Don Pablo's."

In related news, while the minority population of the beltway suburbs is increasing, exurban areas further out are seeing an almost identical increase in white homeownership. When asked why he moved his family recently further from the city, new Middletown resident Ken Adams said, "Why did I move out of West Chester? Um, I don't like those... um, I mean... better schools... up here. Yeah, that's it."

Inside
31 On City Council Ballot
Bennie Green Reflects On Campaign
Dr. Ruth Donates To Pepper
Monkey Escapes From Circus

31 On City Council Ballot

An impressive 31 candidates raised enough signatures for the City Council election ballot. Since only the top nine make council, the 22 losers plan to form a football team to feel good about themselves.

Classifieds

MISSED - Chevy Chase's sense of humor, last seen on the set of Fletch circa 1985.  If you any information on its whereabouts, please contact Chevy's agent at 212-569-7728.  Ask for Mr. Pune.

LOST - Over 200,000 Ohio jobs, last seen 1 President ago. 

FOR RENT - Spacious double-wide, pasty, bloated, homely, and sparingly used area man.  Skills include consuming, inhaling, porn bartering, and typing.  If interested keep an eye peeled at local bus stops.