BATAVIA - If a flock of 2 dozen pink plastic flamingos ended up in your yard tomorrow morning, you might not know what to think.

But as every homeowner in Batavia knows, that's simply Emmanuel United Methodist Church's way of warning you to pay up.

Here's how it works:  The Church sends their youth group in after dark to place the flamingos on the front lawn of an unsuspecting resident.  The homeowner has 1 week to pay a one-time fee of $10 to have the birds removed.  To avoid future flamingo placements, the homeowner may pay a $10 per month "insurance policy."  This provides flamingo "protection" for 3 months.  The money is then laundered through a homeless shelter.

Voters will want to closely watch Didn'tKillAnyIraqisGate to see if Minameyer's allegation that Hackett didn't kill any Iraqis is actually true. Can a man who hasn't killed any Iraqis be trusted to represent the Second Congressional district?

WEST CHESTER TWP. - In a tragic mistake, home builder Ryland Homes got mixed up in a scheduled demolition this week.

"We were supposed to knock down 124 Spring Meadow Lane. Instead we knocked down 124 Stone Valley Rd. Anyone could've made this mistake," said Ryland Homes spokesman Terry O'Connell.

"We were just building homes so fast, we didn't even notice that it wasn't an old farmhouse like usual, but a brand new schoolhouse and playground. But what's the big deal? What would residents rather have? A boring school, or an brand spanking new cul-de-sac subdivision with driveways and everything!"

There has been an avalanche of Hackett spam recently infesting tristate mailboxes.  Anti-spam experts agree that it is of monolithic proportions.  Recent tracking statistics show that Hacket Spam now called “Ham” in the anti-spam industry is now outpacing viagra spam 2 to 1.

“Just look at my inbox,” exclaims Mt. Adams resident Ken Herbert.  “It’s non-stop spam.  It’s getting to the point where I can’t find a decent discount deal for on-line orders of Cialis.  But hey, it isn’t all bad.  It says here voting for Hackett will increase my p3n1s size!”

CINCINNATI - In what has to be the all-time greatest mis-management move in Major League Baseball history, General manager Dan O’Brien traded Ken Griffey Jr. to the New York Yankees for Steve Howe who hasn’t played in the major leagues since 1996.

The Yankees traded Griffey to the San Francisco Giants for Jason Schmidt. The Giants then sent Griffey to the Cubs for 3 minor league prospects and the Cubs traded him back to the Reds for Austin Kearns, Adam Dunn, Sean Casey, Willy Mo Pena, 6 future first round draft choices and 700 million dollars in deferred money for the next 50 years.

O’Brien expressed disappointment that he did not see the trade coming.

NORWOOD – A large crowd of women gathered together to sip wine and listen to the secrets of a few not-fat Frenchies at this month’s Joseph Beth Bookseller’s “Girls Night Out.” The informative evening included a panel discussion on the merits of three-hour dinners, strategies for grocery shopping, and how best to organize one’s pantry, all inspired by the bestseller “Frenchwomen Don’t Get Fat,” aptly subtitled “The Snotty Bitches, Don’t You Just Hate Them?” 

Inside

33 People Catch Fire During Recent Heat Wave
Area Man Didn't Know Kentucky Was Across The River
Cincinnati Libraries Begin Charging To Check Out

33 people catch fire during recent heat wave

The recent heat wave was so harsh that I counted 33 people that ignited into human torches. 

Norwood resident Mike Wheeldon said that he was walking down the street and felt his skin catch fire. 

"It was awesome at first.  But then it started to hurt and my skin fell off.  That kinda sucked", said Wheeldon.

SPRINGDALE - The Northern Cincinnati Convention and Visitors Bureau have reportedly been drinking from the stupid fountain. Their website displays criminal levels of duplicity, and has implicated the board of directors in inhaling too many of their lawn clippings.

Evidence includes their slogan that adorns the top of their web page, "Welcome to Northern Cincinnati, the preferred location of Cincinnati visitors!"  They might well append to this slogan the qualifier, "Just because we think it makes it true!"

DOWNTOWN - Mayoral candidate Charlie Winburn has revived Councilman Jim Tarbell's old dream of building a ballpark at Broadway Commons.

Winburn's proposed "Broadway Bullpen" is designed to revitalize the urban core of the city, by combining two of Cincinnati's favorite pastimes: baseball and breaking laws.

"I call this the Win-Win-Win-Winburn plan," said Winburn, "The criminals win because they get to play baseball. The fans win with cheaper tickets, and the city obviously wins big. I agree with Jim Tarbell. What better way to promote tourism in the city than by putting a baseball stadium right in the midst of it?"

Winburn is so modest, he forgot to mention that his plan for a conspicuous jail on some of downtown's most vital undeveloped real estate will help him appear tough on crime.

Some have expressed concerns that baseball fans won't be safe from criminal lowlife baseball players. "That is the last of my worries" said Winburn, "There will be several layers of razor wire separating the fans from their heroes. Not that the fans will be cursing or agitating the players." Apparently not, since under Winburn's plan, only born-again Christians will be permitted to attend games.

CINCINNATI - Saying the new mayor should get their own team, City Manager Valerie Lemmie announced yesterday her intent to quit on Sept. 11.

"My work here is done," said Lemmie. "No need to thank me Cincinnati for the state of the city. I think my work speaks for itself."

Lemmie suggested that she may write a book about her experience, tentatively entitled "Everything I Need To Know About City Administration I Learned In Kindergarten."

Not wanting the door to hit her ass on the way out, Lemmie gives up a $187,000 severance payment by resigning voluntarily.