HAMILTON, OH - City of Hamilton residents, angered over a very tragic act of violence on June 16th, vandalized property not owned by the aggressor.  Peggy Stems,  resident of the City of Hamilton says, “Sure, we understand that the landlord has nothing to do with this,  and that the aggressor is an illegal immigrant who surely hightailed away from here,  never to be seen again.  But we felt that somebody has to pay for his crimes if we can’t catch him.  The landlord seemed like the best choice.” 

Five days later,  after it was clearly pointed out that City of Hamilton residents can’t spell,  efforts were made to correct the error.  “We burned down the house,” said Daryl Meders.  “It was really the only logical thing to do.  We couldn’t let the rest of the county think we don’t know our three R's - reading, riting and 'rithmetic.”

Landlord Todd Narals agrees.  “What if kids saw that sloppy spelling?  It would just further perpetuate poor grammar in our city.  We can’t have kids growing up that way.  It had to be done.”

Sergeant Huntings of the City of Hamilton police force says, “Sure we lost all of the clues and evidence we would use to track him down and convict him.  But illiteracy is a crime that hurts everybody.”

Classifieds

LOST - Girlfriend, Cheryl, last seen screaming at Wal-Mart cashier.  Approx. 5'1", portly, loud, possessive, needy, unsupportive, and domineering.  If found, keep the bitch.

MOVED - Bowels.

CINCINNATI - The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that it was okay for a Connecticut developer to take a family’s home and erect a health club, hotel and offices.

The landmark ruling opened a floodgate of eminent domain claims resulting in complete chaos throughout the city of Cincinnati. As of today, 2,345 claims have been filed in an effort to take over property for the purpose of "revitalizing the community".

Indian Hill resident, millionaire and defender of the court ruling, G. H. Walker Shub, is attempting to seize Norwood in order to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a parking lot.

"I have always wanted my own parking lot", said Shub. "Norwood will have to find a new place to live. This city needs this parking lot. It will give people a place to park."

ROSELAWN – It’s a typical Saturday night in this small neighborhood off I-75. Neighbors on the front porch are talking, then disappearing indoors to don bullet-proof vests as the night wears on. Children interrupt their games of tag and hide-and-seek to strap on helmets and grab riot shields to ward off the anticipated rain of ammunition as Club Ritz patrons get their groove on.

“Yeah, I know," said Duane Ellingham, a father of three, "They closed down that Irish bar in Hyde Park because of people takin’ a leak in the lawn. For real. Our community council voted to shut this shithole down.”

Clearly fed up with the threat of violence facing his family because of the Ritz, Ellingham has a hard time believing just how callous City Council can be. “But I guess the vice mayor has that title for a reason,” he laughs. “She sure does like to support her vice. And I don't give a damn about her skating ability. For real.”

MASON, OH - "Downtown Mason? Why would I go there?" wondered resident Tina Thorpe. "There's nowhere to park but the street.  There's no Dick's or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Worst of all, you've got that turf war brewing between Mason and Loveland over who 'owns' that stretch of I-71.  Just the other day, I saw a car with a bumper sticker for the Loveland Tigers driving down Main Street. That's a recipe for violence."

Tina Thorpe is not alone. Faced with a declining downtown, Mason Mayor Peter Beck this week announced a $2 million revitalization plan for downtown. At the heart of the plan is a controversial decision to move the oak tree at West and Main a block east to East and Main.

NEW YORK CITY - With the twenty-sixth pick of the first round, the Detroit Pistons selected UC forward Jason Maxiell. As the 2005 Eastern Conference champions came up short on perimeter shooting in this year's NBA finals, and Arizona shooting guard Salim Stoudamire was available, the pick came as a surprise to some analysts.

Former terrible UC player Robert Whaley, who left the team after the 2003-2004 season to play at Walsh, was drafted with the fifty-first overall pick by the Utah Jazz.

Jorge and Scalia square off on the Ten Commandments.

Personals

PCWM ISO Aging SWM for LTR - Who honestly believes that an 19 yr old college student really wants to be your friend in exchange for tuition & this does not constitute prostitution. Let me provide the room & board for a change. Contact Lt. Steve Villing with the CPD at 555-3249. Let's stop playing games.

SWPM Geek ISO SBBW Greek - This skinny white web developer can't pronouce gyro but wants to get it one get it on with a hairy woman well endowed due to a lifetime of souvlaki and baklava. Greek olive skin a must! Let me roll you around in a bed of rice pilaf & smuther you in honey, nuts & filo dough. Let's go out for drinks (2 shots of ozuo). Meet me at the Panegyri Greek Festival near the koulourakia stand at 1 P.M.

Classifieds

Lost - Photoshop Editor/sense of humor/future. Illiterate and can't write anything funny without them. If found, please contact, Fred Pastry at the Dealer.

Lost - Self respect. If found, please return to man in white poofy skirt at Panegyri Greek Festival. I've had no ompah since it's been gone.

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Enquirer/Post announced Monday that it won 22 of the 393 available 2005 Press Club of Cleveland Excellence in Journalism awards. The other 94.4% of the awards were won by Ohio journalism competitors such as Lawn & Landscape and Chagrin Valley Magazine.

"We're excited we did better this year [22 awards; 5.6%] than Harry and the Hendersons did in 1987 [1 Academy Award; 4.5%]," said Enquirer editor/vice president Tom Callinan. "By 2009, we hope to out-do the soundtrack of Fame [2 Academy Awards; 10%]."