Personals

Sad, lonely city SEEKING chic, vivacious companion for long term economic relationship. Must feel comfortable luring young, creative types into your uninhibited clutches. If you are willing to teach this old cigar-smoking, whiskey-drinking pile of empty buildings how to enjoy a chocotini and talk post-modern theater, please call ASAP. (Ikea, I'm saving a nice spot along the river for you...)

Bored, single, white male looking for rich widow to leave me her inheritance.  The older the better.  Call Blaine ASAP, 886-3734.

You call yourself a Star Wars fan, but you don't even have the respect for the Jedi code to do a little research as to what an acceptable light saber color is? Let me a give a you hint. It ain't white.

What a fucking loser. Obviously he hasn't read any of the Star Wars books, which clearly explain that the force only reflects light in a monochromatic manner.

And that was just the begining of the many pathetic attempts I saw of losers trying to dress like Star Wars characters and in the process end up looking like complete idiots.

Kirkland Unaccountably Passed Over in NBA Draft

Junior UC guard Armein "Captain" Kirkland, who declared for the NBA draft, was not picked by any team.  Kirkland, stunned, resigned himself to plan B: "I'll just have to settle for being President of the United States," he said.  "I plan to win this year's election."

Confused Man Attends Reds Game

In attendance at last Saturday's Reds-Indians game was the man pictured here, wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers No. 7 Ben Roethlisberger jersey... for some reason.

When heckled by nearby Reds/ Indians/ Bengals/ Browns fans, the man raised his arms and yelled back, "I forgot my broom!"  Which didn't make sense, as the Reds had won the first game of the Reds-Indians series.

Another fan yelled to No. 7, "New England didn't forget theirs!" Which also didn't make sense, as New England lost to Pittsburgh earlier in the season, and thus when the Patriots beat the Steelers in the AFC championship game, they did not "sweep" them.

Confused, everyone soon settled down and quietly watched the Reds lose.

There was nothing better than a lazy afternoon on the couch with a 2-liter of Coca-Cola in one hand and some KY jelly smeared in the other. With porn ablaze from his 30-inch television screen, Jerry "Couch Boy" Matheny lived most of his life in the finished basement of his parents' home in West Chester.

He died Sunday evening after neglecting several years of developing symptoms that would become cirrhosis of the liver. He was 33 and did not have medical coverage.

NORWOOD - The few houses still standing at the site of the impending Rookwood Exchange strip mall represent a threat to future parking spaces, driveways, boutiques, and steakhouses, the First District Court of Appeals ruled on Friday.

According to Judge Mark Painter, "The area around these homes and businesses has been completely bulldozed. There's lots of mud, plus some really dirty construction vehicles. Gross!  Also, people are actually driving their cars nearby. It just doesn't get any more blighted than that, folks."

CINCINNATI - Following a five-run, one-out performance in the Reds 9-2 loss on Sunday, which ballooned his ERA up to an eye-popping 7.36, Reds reliever Danny Graves showed a heckling fan his "one-finger fastball."

Reports say that Graves asked the fan "if he could hear this," and subsequently, "or should I turn it up?"

Though the fan was most likely a racist jackass, Graves could have sought comfort by bathing in wads of cash instead of lashing out.

It turned out to be a final farewell to the rest of the stadium, as the next day, the eight-year Reds member and two-time All-Star was fired, er, designated for assignment.

COLUMBUS - A source close to Governor Bob Taft has leaked a copy of an April memo to Dealer staff writer Patricia Cake.  The contents of this memo point to a possible increase in the cost of the Skyline and Gold Star chili cuisine beloved by the outsize citizenry of the Queen City.  This is an exclusive to the Dealer, where no stone is left unturned in the search for Truth, Justice, and a juicy book contract.

PETERSBURG - Ken Hamm would have you believe that 6,000 years ago, white middle-class looking people rode around on the backs of dinosaurs. And he's willing to spend $25 million to convince you.

In Petersburg, Ky, rises the Creation Museum, a 95,000 sq.ft. complex offering Hamm's explanation of physical evidence based on literal interpretation of the Bible; specifically, that God created the world in six, 24-hour days on a planet just 6,000 years old. No word yet on how a 24-hour day came to be before the earth was rotating, or whether or not that first day started at midnight EST or GMT.

"When that museum is finished, it's going to be Cincinnati's No. 1 tourist attraction, it's going to be a mini-Disney World," said evangelist Jerry Falwell. Falwell is right in that both attractions contain a lot of fictional characters.

The newly formed regional tourism agency Cincinnati USA is excited about the new offering. "I envision a all-around weekend package," said Cincinnati USA spokesperson Wendy MacDonald. "Tourists and families can start out at this Creationism Disneyland thing, then afterwards shoot on over to the casinos in Indiana, or down 71 to that Racers strip club next to the Speedway."

CINCINNATI - Susan Cranley, the mommy of City Councilman John Cranley and candidate for school board, vehemently opposed the Cincinnati Board of Educations super-secret selection for school superintendent, Rosa Blackwell, last month.

"Closed Door Selection of Superintendent is Egregious!"

Her comments on the matter were not suspicious, at first.

Later that week Councilman Cranley, objecting to the council's practice of meeting behind a closed door to solve the city’s problems, said, "Closed Door Selection of the Superintendent is Egregious!"