CINCINNATI - Claims of bias are engulfing the Cincinnati Police Department after a falsified police report showed white police officers were not disciplined as harshly as black police officers.

Mayoral candidate and Police Chief Thomas Streicher Jr. says that this is an isolated incident and that the two police officers got what they deserved after lying on a police report.

City Manager Valerie Lemmie has ordered Cincinnati Police Chief Thomas Streicher to kiss and make up with court-appointed monitor Ken Cavanaugh, whom Streicher mocked and had de-pantsed during an incident last December.

"The first time, I was supposed to go in a ride-a-long with the Chief, " said Cavanaugh. "But he pulled the old 'Just wait here, and I'll pull the car from around back' routine, and took off. Reeeeaaaal funny, I thought."

But the issue came to a head a few days later, as described by witnesses.

Streicher: Are you still here?

Cavanaugh: Of course I'm still here. I'm a federally appointed police monitor. You have to cooperate with me.

Streicher: Monitor this!

(Streicher throws donut at Cavanaugh. Assistant Chief Richard Janke walks up behind him, and pulls his pants down.)

When asked how the two officers would be disciplined, Lemmie replied: "Well, I sat them down, and now we have an understanding. I told them, 'What you did was very bad. Next time you'll both be in big trouble! This time, I really mean it!'"

CINCINNATI - Following the success of using eminent domain to develop more profitable property in Clifton and Norwood, the City of Cincinnati today declared Ken Griffey, Jr. to be a blighted area. His contract, one-fifth of the Cincinnati Reds payroll, will be taken over by the city and awarded to a baseball player who can run more than fifty feet without suffering a season-ending injury.

Nick Siobhan ambled down to historic Great American Ball Park at 4 am early Saturday morning to get in line for Opening Day tickets.

"I've never been able to buy Opening Day tickets. I feel that this is the year!" said Siobhan, 34, of Golf Manor. "The only other time I've been willing to wait in a line this long was for the premiere of Star Wars: Episode One."

Inside
Area Man Cut From American Idol
Collins Wants Her 45K
Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

Area Man Cut From American Idol

FAIRFIElD - Kenny Mathis made it to the final 72 contestants Tuesday ending his dream of becoming an American Idol. Mathis, 27, says that his choice of songs may have contributed to his elimination and not the fondling of Paula Abdul’s breasts.

The Ridgeline, Honda's entry into the pickup market, is expected to shake up the industry when it hits local dealerships next month. With it, the Ridgeline brings a new design to the stagnating urinating Calvin decal market.

"This is long overdue," said Jeb Malloy, owner of Auto Decal Designs in Colerain. "We haven't had a new Calvin urinating decal in ages. Sure, there was a flurry of Calvin urinating on Saddam and Bin Laden decals after 9/11 and around the start of Operation: Iraqi Freedom. But those died out rather quickly. Nothing can quite motivate a pickup owner to go out and spend 5 bucks on a car decal like multi-generational brand loyalty."

Following the recent acquisition of HomeTown Communications, the Gannett Co. Inc. announced today it has also acquired The Cincinnati Dealer in a blockbuster mega-dollar deal.

No word yet on how this hostile takeover generous offer may affect the talented, underpaid staff over-compensated hacks at The Dealer, but those monopolistic pricks Gannett has assured The Dealer that all our asses are fired full editorial control will be given to the Gannett CEO Doug McCorkindale's talentless nephew remain with the current staff.

The neighborhood of Oakley was indicted Tuesday on thirty-seven counts of identity theft against Hyde Park.  The arraignment is to be held Thursday, March 10.

"I had heard that there were people living in me who didn't drive Volkswagens," said a stunned Hyde Park, "and when the police investigated, they found that Oakley was trying to steal my identity.  We've been neighbors since 1892.  I can't believe it."

In an effort to boost workplace productivity, Cincinnati City Hall has banned most employee communications, including Internet use, phone use, mail, email, and physical conversation.

Communications Center director Tim McCready explained. "The goal here is productivity. I mean, I personally witnessed that new guy in filing making dinner plans with his wife over the phone!  It must have lasted at least two minutes.  No one in this building from the Mayor to staff members on down to interns should be allowed to waste taxpayer money on non-related work things like talking to your wife." Here, Tim made air quotes with his fingers for some reason.

Phone conversations, emails, and Internet web sites will all be filtered automatically by Ban It!, a classification and filtering system bought by the city for $85,000,000.

But this new policy begs the question, what about legitimate uses for communicating?