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WEBN Inadvertently Tells Truth in Ads

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Swedish Cult Opens Local Chapter

'Find and Replace' Used for Upcoming News

Locals Can't Find Entrance to Freedom Center

Larry Flynt to open his own "Bodies" exhibit

Cincinnati to Install Public Urination Cameras

 

 


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Articles for February, 2005


Honda Revolutionizes Pickup, Urinating Calvin Decal
By Jorge Barnes | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 
For over 50 years, Honda has revolutionized the automobile industry, with its world-class motorcycle, sports car, and SUV offerings. Just 2 markets have eluded Honda thus far: pickup trucks and urinating Calvin decals. Until now.

The Ridgeline, Honda's entry into the pickup market, is expected to shake up the industry when it hits local dealerships next month. With it, the Ridgeline brings a new design to the stagnating urinating Calvin decal market.

"This is long overdue," said Jeb Malloy, owner of Auto Decal Designs in Colerain. "We haven't had a new Calvin urinating decal in ages. Sure, there was a flurry of Calvin urinating on Saddam and Bin Laden decals after 9/11 and around the start of Operation: Iraqi Freedom. But those died out rather quickly. Nothing can quite motivate a pickup owner to go out and spend 5 bucks on a car decal like multi-generational brand loyalty."

Read more... | |  
 
Gannett Co. Acquires The Cincinnati Dealer
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

Following the recent acquisition of HomeTown Communications, the Gannett Co. Inc. announced today it has also acquired The Cincinnati Dealer in a blockbuster mega-dollar deal.

No word yet on how this hostile takeover generous offer may affect the talented, underpaid staff over-compensated hacks at The Dealer, but those monopolistic pricks Gannett has assured The Dealer that all our asses are fired full editorial control will be given to the Gannett CEO Doug McCorkindale's talentless nephew remain with the current staff.

# | |  
 
Claims of Bias Rock Cincinnati Police Department
By Milt Crappus | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

CINCINNATI - Claims of bias are engulfing the Cincinnati Police Department after a falsified police report showed white police officers were not disciplined as harshly as black police officers.

Mayoral candidate and Police Chief Thomas Streicher Jr. says that this is an isolated incident and that the two police officers got what they deserved after lying on a police report.

Read more... | |  
 
Blaine Chowder's Briefs
By Blaine Chowder | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

Inside
Area Man Cut From American Idol
Collins Wants Her 45K
Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

Area Man Cut From American Idol

FAIRFIElD - Kenny Mathis made it to the final 72 contestants Tuesday ending his dream of becoming an American Idol. Mathis, 27, says that his choice of songs may have contributed to his elimination and not the fondling of Paula Abdul’s breasts.

Read more... | |  
 
Eminent Domain Used to Reclaim Ken Griffey, Jr.
By Edmund Osterman | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

CINCINNATI - Following the success of using eminent domain to develop more profitable property in Clifton and Norwood, the City of Cincinnati today declared Ken Griffey, Jr. to be a blighted area. His contract, one-fifth of the Cincinnati Reds payroll, will be taken over by the city and awarded to a baseball player who can run more than fifty feet without suffering a season-ending injury.

# | |  
 
Secret FBI Dossier Reveals Elvis Temped at P&G in 1999
By Reginald Ottenheimer | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 
FINNEYTOWN -  An FBI dossier has emerged that contains papers and photographs documenting Elvis Presley's 1999 temporary job in the Food & Beverage Building at P&G's Winton Hill Compound.

In 2000, P&G Security had sunk the dossier in a deep pool of liquid Olestra at the bottom of Winton Hill. This writer hooked that ol' slimy FBI dossier last Thursday while fishing in what he thought was the Mill Creek, but actually turned out to be the "Olestra Ocean".  WOW!
Read more... | |  
 
City Manager Sternly Scolds Police Chief, Assistant Chief
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

City Manager Valerie Lemmie has ordered Cincinnati Police Chief Thomas Streicher to kiss and make up with court-appointed monitor Ken Cavanaugh, whom Streicher mocked and had de-pantsed during an incident last December.

"The first time, I was supposed to go in a ride-a-long with the Chief, " said Cavanaugh. "But he pulled the old 'Just wait here, and I'll pull the car from around back' routine, and took off. Reeeeaaaal funny, I thought."

But the issue came to a head a few days later, as described by witnesses.

Streicher: Are you still here?

Cavanaugh: Of course I'm still here. I'm a federally appointed police monitor. You have to cooperate with me.

Streicher: Monitor this!

(Streicher throws donut at Cavanaugh. Assistant Chief Richard Janke walks up behind him, and pulls his pants down.)

When asked how the two officers would be disciplined, Lemmie replied: "Well, I sat them down, and now we have an understanding. I told them, 'What you did was very bad. Next time you'll both be in big trouble! This time, I really mean it!'"

Read more... | |  
 
17,001st Reds Fan In Line Gets Screwed
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 23, 2005
 

Nick Siobhan ambled down to historic Great American Ball Park at 4 am early Saturday morning to get in line for Opening Day tickets.

"I've never been able to buy Opening Day tickets. I feel that this is the year!" said Siobhan, 34, of Golf Manor. "The only other time I've been willing to wait in a line this long was for the premiere of Star Wars: Episode One."

Read more... | |  
 
Don't Waste Your Dollar!
By Zeb Petry | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 16, 2005
 
There's an old saying:

"You get what you pay for."

Good advice to consumers.

Right? Wrong!

We were shocked to find that some Tri-state merchants are making sure that you pay more than you get!

We took a hidden camera into the Colerain Play It Again Sports to do a little shopping.

Read more... | |  
 
P&G Starts Hostile Takeover of Children’s Hospital
By Fred Pastry | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Feb 16, 2005
 

I want a clean as pure as Ivory...

Right on the heels of the Gillette buy out, P&G shocks the city again.  Today Douglas Kerns, P&G Director of Research announced they were buying out Children’s Hospital.  Kerns said, “PETA has been after us for a while over concerns of animal testing.  With this merger we hope to put to rest all of their fears.

PETA spokesperson Peter Wood expressed gratitude.  “We have been saying for years that animal testing was completely unnecessary.  I am glad that Procter & Gamble has shown that they are a truly compassionate & progressive company."

Read more... | |  
 
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Results 1 - 10 of 30

Sidelines

Kroger Shopper Gets Dry Idea 

Man Attacked by Foul Balls, Returns Fire 

Local Foot Fetishist Likes Them Shiny 

Cigarette Prices Rising - Two Cigarettes Cost County $42,000 

Bengals Trade Chad Johnson for Ken Griffey Jr 

U.S. Playing Card Wants Its Own Enquirer Blogger Too

2500 Rally in Support of Payday 

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The CCV wants to end the Adult ads in the back of CityBeat. How do YOU feel?

 


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