DOWNTOWN - Councilman Chris Smitherman got himself in the headlines again after Tasing a 6-year-old boy during Council minutes today.

As he was hog-tied and dragged away, he muttered, "See, this is why we need the ban. Any crazy like me can join the police and start Tasing kids left and right! Ban it now!"

When it was pointed out that there had not been a single instance of Taser use on a child under 11 until Smitherman did it, he grumbled something about wishing "COPS were here to film this bullshit."

CINCINNATI - Council member David Pepper is the newest mayor wannabe to seeking to fill the shoes of Charles Luken. Pepper, 33, single and still feeling fresh off a car-jacking 3 years ago says that the run for mayor is as much for him as it is for the city of Cincinnati.

"First mayor, then senate and then president", said Pepper. "Think of all the poon-tang I will get as a mayor. Wait, I told you this is off the record. Why are you writing this?"

Today Michael Setzer, CEO of SORTA, announced a solution for SORTA’s budget crunch.  “We are going to replace all drivers with marmosets,” Setzer proudly exclaimed.  “Marmosets are cheap labor.  They work for rotten fruit.”  Setzer estimates that with the savings left over after accidents, they should have enough left over for a 15% across the board administrative raise.”
 
City Council member, John Cranley said, “I see this as a win-win for everybody.  Sunday service is not cut.  Citizens don't have to pay the unreasonably high cost of a dollar for bus fare.  I don’t see anything left for the citizens to complain about.”

OAKLEY - Tyrone Weathers paces on the sidewalk on Paxton Avenue. A sixteenth of an inch of snow powders the road. Snowflakes dot Tyrone's black winter cap. He is not happy.

"Look at this woman," Tyrone says. He gestures at a Dodge Neon travelling at four miles an hour. In front of the Neon, the road is empty; in back, cars are lined up as far as we can see. The road surface is level. Tyrone continues, "She has no clue how to drive on snow. It's pathetic." He pauses. "It's dangerous."

"I was sitting in my car, listening to National Public Radio on WVXU, when I looked up and noticed a magnet on the [Cadillac] Escalade in front of me," the 37-year-old Madeira High School biology teacher recalled. "It was in the shape of a ribbon, with a pattern of the American flag, and the words 'Freedom Ain't Free!' written across it."

"Now, it used to be that whenever I saw a patriotic slogan on a bumper sticker, or a magnet, or whatever, I would clench my fist in frustration. The fact that these people actually believed they were debating the issue at hand by mindlessly sticking store-bought propaganda on their under-utilized, gas-guzzling SUVs - it just drove me bananas," Mr. Woodrice explained. "But this magnet...this magnet was different."

In the wake of last week's announced elimination of 600 jobs nationwide, Convergys Corp announced today that it will be dropping this ridiculous charade and moving all their offices to India, effective immediately.

CEO James Orr remarked that they had suckered that sweet-ass deal out of the city last year, and that by now they had "milked that cow for all she was worth."

In related news, Councilmember John Cranley was downsized today, as his position was outsourced to India.

This all started two weeks ago, while I was hanging around the luxurious office suite of this fetching older gal.  Her name is Nancy Zamfir, and she's the president of the University of Cincinnati. Although I had the hots for her at first, I later decided she's not my type.  I thought she was way too obsessed with that intricate maze on campus, Budig Labyrinth, right across MLK from the EPA.   For some reason UC calls it a labyrinth, but it's more of a maze.

DOWNTOWN - Encouraged by the effectiveness of automated traffic cameras in capturing speeders, Cincinnati City Council has proposed an idea to further the concept. The proposal seeks to strategically place automated Taser systems on street corners in the downtown area, including Over-The-Rhine.

Mayor Charlie Luken lauded the idea claiming that this will free up officers to attend to more serious crimes and act as a deterrent to would-be criminals.

"I know one thing. We'll finally be addressing the plague of teenage jaywalkers downtown. I for one am fed up”, said Luken. “The next 14-year-old that decides to jaywalk will have quite a surprise in store for him."

No one can claim the local GOP is not politically savvy.  Last Wednesday, Chris Monzel was selected over the first runner up, Leslie Ghiz, to replace Pat Dewine on city council.  Although Monzel, was an incumbent runner in the last election, and he lost, gaining fewer votes than Ghiz or Damon Lynch, the local GOP stated that they felt that white males were severely under represented in the Republican party.

Westwood residents had expressed concerns that Leslie had passed the age of 30 and was not yet married and raising children.

J. Wayne Cropp, Hamilton County GOP chairman, stated that there is still a place for Ghiz in the Republican party.  “I hope she finds a nice Republican man to settle down with,” said Cropp, “There is no telling where her husband could go politically from there.”

CINCINNATI - City Council members received a 3% pay increase raising their annual salary to a whopping $60,000,000. In comparison the Cincinnati Police took a pay decrease of 2% making their annual salary $8,657.

The city charter, which no human can possibly understand because it was written in super secret hieroglyphics from a 3^rd century Chinese schizophrenic says that council members shall receive a pay increase every year annually unless an amendment to the charter has been made.

"Its unfortunate that it’s linked directly to something to which we have no control" said councilman David Crowley. "We had a chance to put a charter amendment on last years ballot to cut our salaries in half, because that’s what people wanted. But, lets be realistic. Like I am going to vote for that."