The Cincinnati Reds declined to participate baseball's winter meetings in Florida this year. They instead decided to spend the money to check out The Happiest Place On Earth: Disneyworld. Reds GM Dan O'Brien said, "We weren't really planning to make any deals anyway, since next year is a rebuilding year, so we figured, why waste time at boring meetings when we could be riding Space Mountain on Carl's dime!" O'Brien then giggled and later added: "Maybe we can sign Mickey to the bullpen for cheap."

The FDA has delayed approval of Intrinsa, consumer goods giant Procter & Gamble's new hormone patch that works to restore a woman's sex drive.

The FDA claimed that not enough tests had been run. It remains to be seen whether or not P&G will re-submit application for approval, or withdraw the product. Said P&G spokesperson Gwen Gale, "It is not uncommon to have unanswered safety questions at approval. In the meantime, women should just stick to tequila for improving their sex drive. I prefer Jose Cuervo myself."

St. Xavier high school suspended junior Justin Roberson Friday for not promoting Christianity outside of class. His father Mel Roberson agreed with the punishment, saying, "Justin's evangelical mission doesn't end with the school bell. He needs to know that breaking rules and spreading God's love in public places as much as possible to save these godless heathens is okay."

Cincinnati's homicide rate dropped to 63 this year, compared to 66 from the same time last year. Police chief Thomas Streicher said that criminals don't roam around as much when the weather is cold. He added that he's hoping for a "shitload of snow this year."

Marvin Lewis accepted the position of Superintendent for Cincinnati Public Schools Thursday. He becomes the latest to accept the enormous challenge of declining enrollment and school board in-fighting in the school system. At the press conference, Lewis stated: "Moral victories aren't good enough anymore. We're going to work at it and work at it, and we're going to keep getting better and better. We cannot accept mediocrity."

In related news, Deputy Superintendent Rosa Blackwell is listed as probable for this Sunday's board meeting.