NEWPORT - Local entrepreneur Larry Flynt announced on Saturday that he plans to open  "Heavenly Bodies: The Exhibition", an exhibit of bodies in direct competition to "Bodies: The Exhibition" currently being shown at the Museum Center.

"I'm giving museum-goers a choice," said Flynt, "You can see a bunch of dead guys with their skin peeled off at the other exhibit, or you can see lovely Tiffani here peel off her tight jeans. What better way to learn about human anatomy than by having Tiffani show you?"

"And unlike any of the bodies in that other exhibit, Tiffani is giving full consent to show her body in our exhibit," Flynt added.

Although Cincinnati's obscenity laws allow for the display of dead human bodies with the skin stripped away, Flynt cannot lawfully open an exhibit here of live human bodies with just the clothes stripped away.

In attempts to put his exhibit in a "museum" context, Flynt had hoped on holding his exhibit at the "Creation Museum" in Northern Kentucky, but negotiations with them quickly broke down.   "There's always the Brass Ass in Newport," said Flynt.

Local Catholic Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk quickly issued a statement asking area Catholic schools to refrain from organizing field trips to "Heavenly Bodies".

"If parents, as the primary educators of their children, believe that it has educational value, then they should be the ones to take their children to see it," said Pilarczyk.

Uncle Chuan

CINCINNATI -  The Museum Center's  "Bodies: The Exhibition"  was shocking on many levels for a local Chinese-American man.

Eric Nguyen, a 43-year-old accountant from Sharonville who emigrated from mainland China in 1988, says he recognizes his long-lost Uncle Chuan as one of the exhibits at "Bodies". 

"I can recognize his face.  No question about it, this is Uncle Chuan," Nguyen said of the plasticized corpse playing basketball.

 "And this is how I remember Uncle Chuan -  well-defined quadriceps, healthy heart, fractured femur,"  said Nguyen,  "What's really weird is I don't remember him ever playing basketball."

Nguyen insists he will try to claim his Uncle's remains. "I don't know, maybe I could put him on display in the living room." said Nguyen, "Or I might just, you know, bury him in the ground."

CINCINNATi - The gift shop at the Museum Center for "Bodies - The Exhibition" is causing almost as much controversy as the exhibit itself.  Rather than merely selling "The Visible Man" and "The Visible Woman", the gift shop also features real brains, intestines, kidneys, testicles, hearts, stomachs, and livers.

"We decided we would give each attendee the opportunity to bring home part of an actual dead body," said Roy Glover, organizer of the exhibit,  "What better way to continue this whimsical lesson in anatomy, than buying and eating some anatomy yourself?"

"We also gift wrap," Glover added. 

Glover's unconventional gift shop idea has backfired with one anonymous Cincinnati school principal.  "Many of the organs available at the gift shop are eaten daily in our school cafeteria," he said, "Since our students have this educational experience in biology every day, I see no reason for our school to attend the exhibit."

Protests are planned for this weekend, since the anonymous dead bodies featured in the gift shop were obtained without the signed consent of the deceased.

CINCINNATI - In early January, Council approved an additional 2 million in their budget, which they say will be paid in full by public urinators across Cincinnati, to the tune of a $120 fine per urination.

City Manager Dohoney's staff, currently researching ideal camera sites, has found which trees are most popular for public urinators. 

"One question remains, will urinators continue to pee on these trees once cameras are installed?" asked Dohoney, "Or will they prefer to pee on other trees nearby?"

Similar initiatives in other cities have led to an increase in zipper accidents. Once the public urinator realizes he is on camera, he will often zip up too quickly.

David Crowley says the initiative is money well spent.  "Although local urinators will be less likely to pee in front of these cameras," said Crowley, "We are counting on out-of-towners to mistake these cameras for bird feeders. We project that these urinating tourists will generate 2.5 million annually in ciy revenue."

A positive ID of each urinator will be made using the latest in genital recognition software.

OHIO 2ND -  Former County Commissioner Republican Phil Heimlich cut his run against Ohio 2nd District Representative Jean Schmidt on Wednesday, citing the insurmountable challenge of also opposing some guy named Nathan Bailey.

Heimlich was mostly deterred by Bailey's experience in a leadership role at Wendy's, and as a manager at UDF, plus his membership in the "International High IQ Society".   Bailey had already put his fast food experience to work for him,  asking "where's the beef" in Heimlich's platform,  while adding that "quality is my recipe".

 "I mean, seriously, who has a better chance of beating Schmidt," said Heimlich, "Me or a UDF manager with a high IQ?"

In response to Heimlich's premature departure from the race,  Schmidt had little to say, other than mysteriously remarking, "Cowards cut their runs, Marines never do."

CINCINNATI - Five years after voting to curb panhandling by requiring that panhandlers apply for a license to annoy others, Cincinnati City Council has taken an abrupt 180 degrees turn.  On Wednesday, they voted for a 50 percent increase in panhandling, licensed or not, with an increase in Metro fares from $1.00 to $1.50.

"Panhandlers want to panhandle so they can ride the Metro," said David Crowley, "And we're going to help them on both counts.  I don't know why, but John Cranley seems to think that panhandlers don't have a right to experience cutting-edge hybrid technology, first-hand."

Similar to the city, Cranley has changed his position 180 degrees, but in the opposite direction.

In calling for the increase, Metro Executive Director Michael Seltzer said they sorta wanted some hybrid buses to replace a few of their antiquated 2004 models. 

"This fare hike to fund six new environmental hybrids achieves some of Metro's loftiest goals:  less crowded earth-friendly buses and more available seats next to sexy hippie chicks." said Seltzer, "The increase in panhandling is just a nice side effect."

CINCINNATI USA - Recent freezing weather has local Cincinnati USA brandingizers all abuzz about a possible Winter Olympics bid in 2018.  An inch of snow Monday night elevated the excitement in the local Cincinnati USA Chamber quarters to a veritable din.

Although Cincinnati has failed historically in its International Olympics bids, "Cincinnati is the proud host of the Southwest Ohio Senior Olympics and has been since 1992," contends Cincinnati USA Chamber Vice Chair Wendy Northwill, "Take that, Geneva."

Britain / Cincinnati tensions have been noticeably strained ever since London won its bid for the 2012 summer games, closely edging Cincinnati despite amazing odds in Cincinnati's favor.

To drive up the Winter Olympics talk, Cincinnati USA has made some pointed changes to their branding strategy.   Despite the popularity of the first slogan, "All together surprising", Cincinnati USA has adopted a new slogan, "Ski The Seven Hills", and peppered its website with close-up shots of some of the fresh powder moguls at Perfect North Slopes and Cincinnati's more than ample Fountain Square skating rink.

"Re-branding Cincinnati as a skiing destination was instrumental to our campaign," says Northwill, "Still, we want people to remember that Cincinnati is also an awesome place to take the family out speed skating, curling, or for a nighttime bobsled ride."

(Ed. Note:  There's an old saying amongst leftist, "independent" Cincinnati newspapers:  "It takes a boring man to live in the 'burbs, and it takes a rich, bourgeoise asshole to live in Hyde Park or Mt. Adams, but it takes a smart, courageous man to live in Over The Rhine."  In that vein, The Cincinnati Dealer proudly presents an interview with one brave professional who recently made the big move to OTR.  Although you will find this piece sandwiched between articles about the out-of-control violence in downtown Cincinnati (at fault:  Cincinnati Police) and the lack of key city-living amenties (at fault: Cincinnati Police), ironically, the entire gist of the interview will be how safe and convenient OTR-living really is.  But don't feel too guilty or uncool about where you live.  Rest assured that this interview is simply one man's rationalization of his own lack of safety.  Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the article):

Cincinnati Dealer: Thanks for conducting this phone interview with us, Will.

Will Hasselo: No problem.  I've got a voice-over-internet phone here at my apartment.  That's right, voice-over-internet, I get broadband here in OTR.  And cable, and running water, and every utility I could ever want or need.

On February 15, 2007, the Contemporary Arts Center hosted the latest wine tasting of the Bacchanalian Society. We attended, and documented our experience with the following series of photographs.

Although there was plenty of parking in the Fountain Square garage, the driver of this Cadillac panicked and took the first available spot.

Let's take a closer look at the plaque in front of this car.

Ah, the Contemporary Arts Center. We are industrial and post-modern.

Look at how industrial and post-modern we are.

Does it get old, watching underdressed people in line complain about the sixteen-degree weather? Nah.

Click the "FULL STORY" link below to see the rest of the photos.

CINCINNATI - As the Bengals sat down to celebrate Christmas today after their heartbreaking loss to Denver, we thought we'd take a look at the top 5 Bengals-related gifts being shared around the tri-state today.

 5. Chris Henry Oven Mitt Gloves - Bat even the softest thrown balls out of the air with these teflon-coated beauties. Comes with a hidden pocket for your stash. Guaranteed to fool drug-sniffing dogs.

4. 5-yard Illegal Motion Penalty - Give only to kids that need a little extra help to make the playoffs. Make sure the penalty wipes out a 75-yard touchdown pass. If not available, replace with an offside penalty that nullifies recovery of an onside kick.

3. Bengals "Ease-Arrest" Kit - Includes a concealed firearm, whiskey-scented breathalyzer spray, $1,700 in "off-the-truck" electronic goods, and directions to the nearest police checkpoint.  

2. Carson Palmer Cannon (With Randomizing Spray) - Sprays footballs all over the field. Picks inopportune moments to sail passes over intended receivers. You'll never know when an accurate pass is coming again. Available in 3 varieties: inconsistent, inaccurate, and look-the-f*ck out.

1. Extra Point - Somewhere, one lucky kid will receive the extra point the Bengals gave away in Denver. The extra point is rarely given away so if you receive this gift, cherish it as it is usually taken for granted. On the plus side, now you know who Brad St. Louis and Kyle Larson are.  

Have a very Bengals Christmas! And remember that buzzed driving IS drunk driving!