CINCINNATI - When President Bush came to Cincinnati on Monday to throw out the Reds Opening Day first pitch, he offered a few kernels of wisdom to Cincinnati's team, specifically on his "strategery in the expectations game".

"You get them to misunderestimate you," Bush told Reds players in his pre-game pep talk, "When I debated John Kerry in 2004, everyone's expectations was so low, nobody thought I'd win a debate.  All I had to do was complete a few sentences here and there.. heh-heh-heh."

Bush advised Reds players to make a laughingstock of themselves in early games, so that opponents would let down their guard in the big games later on.

"Don't worry about winning these piddly little games that don't matter," said Bush, "Go ahead and let the other team score 15-16 runs if you want.   Remember, it's the first impression that counts most.  Later on in the season, when all your opponents are overconfident, just wait for them to screw up and call your teammate's daughter a lesbian. That's when you go in for the kill."

The library fountain seen "bringing the drama"

DOWNTOWN - A group of thugged-out teenagers hanging out in front of the Downtown Library on Sunday may not be reacting in the desired fashion to the classical music now playing near the bus stop on Vine Street.

"It's like The Godfather up in this bitch," remarked Ray-Don, 18, as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony loudly pumped from the speakers, "That shit is bumping."

"Beethoven's the god," agreed Neva-Mo, 17, "This music puts me in the perfect mood for busting a fool's grill, or stepping to a bitch."

Several nearby teens then gave props to "that playa Wolfgang Amadeus".

COLUMBUS -  After being ordered to remove publicly available Social Security numbers from his website,  Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell released a deadline for all identity thieves, in a statement on Friday.

"Those wishing to commit identity theft must do so within six months time," said Blackwell, "Or whenever my secretary Francine finishes rescanning the documents without their Social Security numbers, whichever comes first." 

"Don't anybody panic though, you now have full access to all the Social Security numbers, birthdates, signatures and mothers' maiden names you could ever possibly need.  Please hurry, though. This information is only available for a limited time."

On the down side, Blackwell did agree to require website registration within a month, something local identity thieves aren't very happy about.

"God, compulsory website registration is so annoying," said identity thief Seymour Butts, of 123 Anywhere Lane, Anytown Ohio.

This Findlay Market vendor may soon be forced to conceal his herbal products

CINCINNATI - A new law proposed by City Councilman Cecil Thomas may change the way pot is sold in Cincinnati. Soon every salesman bold enough to openly display his marijuana products out on tables in neighborhoods like Over-The-Rhine will go to jail, instead of just receiving a ticket. 

However, the new law doesn't overturn a citizen's right against searches without a warrant. Many of the more sophisticated pot dealers use a technique of hiding their products inside their pockets, especially when police are in their presence.

Without probable cause, police will still not be able to determine who these more surreptitious dealers are.  Since most dealers do not openly smoke or sell their product in plain sight,  Cincinnati's jail will soon be overflowing, not with pot dealers, but the more nefarious casual pot users and cancer patients. 

"Before this new law, our police had to buy a little weed from a dealer in order to charge him with selling marijuana," said Thomas on Thursday, "Now, when police buy marijuana from a dealer, they can then get a warrant, search him, and arrest him for possession. See, it all completely makes sense."

OVER-THE-RHINE - Facing falling attendance, renovation issues,  and perceptions of poor public safety surrounding Music Hall, the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra is considering a move from the 128-year-old historic building.

 CSO conductor Paavo Järvi reported, "We are keeping all our options open at this time.  We're scouting out several locations in the suburbs.  Nothing says classical music like a shiny new office park.  We could buy one, knock down the cubicle walls and go from there." 

SYCAMORE TWP - 56 year-old Jean Smolders of Sycamore Township barely made news Sunday when he was arrested attempting to meet a 14 year-old girl for sex.  Not to be outdone by Jean, 26 year-old James Rutherford, a 6th-grade religion teacher, became his own cliché Monday when he too attempted to meet an underage minor for sex. 

You would think these people would just stop trying.

CINCINNATI - A Cincinnati employee recently admitted that he gets "paid big" and doesn't work.

The man, identified only as Milton, came clean in the wake of a recent discovery that a staffer collected $197,000 over the course of 4 years for doing absolutely nothing. 

"Most of the time I just go to the park," Milton said.

City Manager Dave Rager downplayed the incident. "This happens all the time," said Rager, "why is it suddenly news?" 

Milton also claimed that he was able to requisition 170 new staplers through the city's office supply ordering system.

"I bet you dollars to donuts that this isn't donuts we're talking about," Council member Leslie Ghiz said. She also reminded reporters that her name does not rhyme with "whiz".

Milton said he is looking excitedly forward to his automatic 5% raise and new responsibilities, whatever they are, in 2006.

By Anonymous (great lover and respecter of God, Allah, The Bible, The Koran, Mormons, Masons, The Dead Sea Scrolls, Simon Cowell, Family Values, The Age of Aquarius, Little Fairies, The Guru in Clifton, Jerry Parker, Sparko, loads of Saints, and Tinkerbell.)

Ms. Patricia Cake, formerly of the Cincinnati Dealer, has been slapped with a fatwa after a crude drawing she created made its way into the hands of local Shriner Chapter 310.

"The Shriners will not allow this blasphemy to go unpunished," stated Mitch Mulligan, Grand Poobah of the 50-man lodge. "Anyone who laughingly depicts our members driving around in their little cars with their great big hats will not live to see another parade.  Long live PBR!"

Ms. Cake reportedly approached the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Department when she learned that her life was in danger. Simon Leis had little sympathy for the satirist. "If this is her idea of ‘journalism,’ mocking some of our most honored institutions, well, then, I guess she’ll just have to deal with the consequences on her own."

My name is Blaine Chowder and I am addict.

I am addicted to oil. The President told me so.

I first realized I had a problem during the Presidents State of the Union Speech last week. Since then I have been reeling over my struggles with this horrible addiction. I have been frantically seeking a methadone-like treatment that would wean me off this sludge that I have been unconsciously thirsting for since the day the DMV took my picture for my drivers license.

To get to the bottom of my problem I researched 12-step-programs in the hope of finding one that best suited my needs. I found 12-steps for marijuana, nicotine, rape, incest, borderliners, compulsive disorders, spenders and scores of others. But nothing for oil addiction.

12-step-programs originated in Akron, Ohio in the mid 1930's by AA (Alcoholic Anonymous)founders Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson who were also co-founders of the Oxford Group. I figured the next course of action should be to call them.