CLIFTON - Nicholas Pierce, 26, moved last Thursday to Batavia, Ohio, from his apartment on Ludlow Avenue.  His friends held a week of mourning, as Mr. Pierce has moved outside of the I-275 circle, and it is unsure whether he will be seen again.

"Nick says he'll come down to visit all the time, but I don't see how he'll get his dog sled down Route 50," said Arthur Williams, 25.  "I assume everyone in Batavia travels by dog sled."

A big snowfall during Winter Break?

That's like New Year's Day falling on a Saturday,  or even worse,  Christmas falling on a Saturday. Well,  unfortunately,  all three happened this winter.

 "It feels like when the Bengals win a game late in the season.  It's cool that they won,  but we sure could have used that win earlier."  said Withrow High School student Dave Thompson.

NORWOOD ­­­– The continuing debate on the use of Tasers by Cincinnati Police drew more heat Wednesday night when police who were patrolling a Norwood neighborhood noticed a disturbance at the home of Melvin Mooring.  Officer Randy Sutter investigated further to find the Mooring family desperately trying to catch their 4-year-old daughter’s pet gerbil, Mr. Cranky, who had escaped from his cage.

“When I entered the domicile, I saw that the Mooring family was having a difficult time with the animal”, said Officer Sutter. “I cornered the beast and asked him to return to his cage immediately.  He took a hostile stance, so I Tased him.”

After the Dean of Cincinnati’s shocking revelation that he is resigning from his post, the race is on.  Tinky-Winky has announced his bid for replacement.  Tinky touts his experience as a former child educator.  Test markets show no difference between intellectual discussions that are led by Tinky-Winky or the current Dean.

NORWOOD - If you think local news is bad, John Scott thinks it's worse. Scott was so fed up with Channel 12, WKRC's local morning newscast, that he gouged out his eyes with a letter opener and then had his brother poke out his eardrums with an icepick.

Now that the 62-year-old Wal-mart cashier is adjusting to life without sight or sound he says that he has no regrets.

"OF COURSE MY REGISTER IS ALL FUCKED UP AT THE END OF MY SHIFT", screamed Scott, from not being able to modulate his voice. "BUT THE UPSIDE IS, I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK OR HEAR THAT CAMMY DIERKING EVER AGAIN!"

After only one day back in charge and Joe Deters is already cleaning up the prosecutor’s office.  Deters says “First off, we are eliminating all inner-office romance.  This is a public service office.  We are all professionals and it’s going to stay that way, so no more freebies.”  Today Deters announced that he will be moving the prosecutor’s offices down to the 1100 block of Walnut St.  Office moral was at an all time low during Mike Allen’s term.  This move is expected to perk things up.  Some employees will be closer to their work out facilities.  And others will be closer to their after hour jobs.

CINCINNATI, OH - The awesome power of the Channel 12 StormTrackDoppler 9000 was displayed early this morning when it broke free from its robot prison and went on a rampage downtown.  StormTrackDoppler 9000 killed at least two hundred people using lightning bolts, gusty winds, and heavier than expected rain.  The deadly weather robot was finally brought down by a combination of Cincinnati Police and National Guard forces.

"We did everything we could to warn people of the incredible power of StormTrackDoppler 9000," said Pauline Loughlitter, press representative for Channel 12.  "Every commercial break, we devoted ten to twenty seconds informing our viewers of the astonishing abilities of StormTrackDoppler 9000.  Frankly, we suspect people had stopped paying attention."