CINCINNATI - In a stunning move, Cincinnati found 22,582 people living under rocks.  Revised Census estimates announced last week find an additional 22,582 people living in the city, which means that the city actually gained 27 people between 2000 and 2005.  This had a positive affect on several indicators such as the poverty rate, the unemployment rate, the housing rate, and most importantly the crime rate.

The higher population meant a lower per-capita crime rate, pushing Cincinnati down from the 15th most dangerous city to the 17th, below Norfolk, VA, and, yep, Cleveland.  A giant laughing noise was heard hurtling up I-71 on Friday, sending shock waves across the state.

Downtown, city booster and census buff Rick Penderer commented, "YEEEAAAAAH, suck it Cleveland!  Hey, the only reason Cleveland hasn't fallen into the lake is 'cause it SUCKS! HAHAHAH!"  Unfortunately, as Mr. Penderer stumbled guffawingly down the sidewalk, he didn't notice his pocket being picked.

The revision came about after a 20-yr-old intern in the mayor's office did research on other cities filed formal challenges to the census counts.  A delighted Mayor Mallory rewarded the intern with a pat on the butt and a tall glass of pink lemonade.

CINCINNATI - In the wake of losing his job at the pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld has been consulting with local boy-band advisor, Nick Lachey. Lachey recommended the  Ex-Sec start a hip-hop boy band. 

So Rumsfeld approached recently unemployed house-husband/rapper Kevin Federline and the two formed FedXxXSec. The duo believe they can use defiant boy band stardom to win back the hearts of the nation.

"Right now, we're America's most hated," K-Fed said. "I told Rummy, we can ride with that, middle fingers up still sayin' fuck the globe."

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008," Rumsfeld said about their upcoming album, "Outta 'Da Bush." 

According to Rumsfeld, their first single "Back to Back to Backup Dancing," has got some bangin' rhymes:

As you know there are known knowns / The things you know you know / Then there are the unknown unknowns / They hit you like a rock, hard / And then you're back to back to backup dancing.

Other songs on the upcoming release include:

• The Army You Have (Not the Army You Need)
• Rice Ain't White
• Rook to the Uruk
• P-O-T-U-S
• No Child Left Alive (for Britney)

FedXxXSec's "Outta 'Da Bush"  drops February 14, 2007.  

As local bars look for ways to stave off the loss of business following the passage of Issue 5, which bans smoking in public places, Ex-Smokulator Inc. is finding its product in high demand.  The Ex-Smokulator device allows persons in an establishment to smoke tobacco outside of the establishment through a complicated and scientifically-designed arrangement of tubes and ball-valves.

 “We did fifteen installations this week alone,” said Jeter Dixon, an installation technician for the Durham, NC company.  “Our product is very popular with long-term smokers who are used to having a smoke down at their local watering hole.  And it’s no more inconvenient than breathing through an oxygen mask on an airplane or at the hospital.”

Asked about the legality of the device in light of Issue 5, Dwight Reynolds, CEO of Ex-Smokulator Inc. pointed out that no smoke issues into the atmosphere of the bar itself.

“Thanks to our patented smoke-routing technology,” said Reynolds, speaking by telephone from his North Carolina estate, “the smoker can enjoy all of the benefits of smoking while indoors, all safely within the law.”

Local smokers, testing the device, admitted that while it wasn't quite the same, they could see getting used to it. 

"It's costly, yes," said local bar owner Mick Elliot, "But if it'll keep me in business, I'm happy to spend the money." 

HERE, THERE, EVERYWHERE - Thursday morning, across the country, liberals listened to NPR report on the incredible midterm election which resulted in Democratic control of both the Senate and the House.

Here in Ohio, the big winner was Ohio governor-elect, Ted Strickland.  T-Strick won handily, compelling Blackwell to concede the race at 8:50 pm before any vote counts were even released.  In his concession speech,  Blackwell said, "I say to you this evening in the midst of a political setback, to God be the glory."  Yes, thank you god.

Incumbent Senator Mike DeWine gave it up to god as well, losing to Congressman Sher... uh, SHER-rod... uh, Sher-ROD... uh, Congressman Brown from northeastern Ohio.    Though DeWine, a moderate and effective Senator by some accounts, did not employ the sure-fire campaign tactic of accusing his opponent of supporting the North American Man-Boy Love Association, he still lost.

In local races, Jean Schmidt - THIS IS NOT A MISPRINT.  WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND - beat out challenger Victoria Wulsin in the 2nd District.  Well, maybe.  Probably.  Most likely.  Less than 3,000 votes separated the two, with many provisional and absentee ballots still uncounted.  Wulsin has refused to concede the race, even though when you consider the already counted votes as a 99% sample size of the total and you have already lost in that count, you will most likely not win a super majority of the remaining votes.  Then again, Wulsin is a doctor, not a statistician. 

Wulsin of course in no way helped her cause when, at 10 pm on election night before all the votes were in and she was behind in the votes that were counted, she acted like a hysterical idiot who had already won, thanked the voters and said that she would "love to serve the people of the 2nd District."   Good one, Vic.

By Harold,
Editor in Chief

It's that time again, Cincinnati.  It's the day that up to half of all eligible voters have been waiting so long for, in order to change the course of this country.  Exciting!

A multitude of candidates and issues exist on your ballot.  It can be quite intimidating.  Fortunately, the Dealer presents our endorsements for this election to clear up any confusion that you may have.  Our crack, uh, staff have meticulously combed the candidates and issues and present our findings here so you don't have to.

As with anything, the more you do something, the better you get, so get out there and vote as often as you can!

Governor of Ohio

Ken Blackwell (R)
Ted Strickland (D)

Dealer endorses:  Ken Blackwell. 

If Ken Blackwell is good enough for Roy Rogers, then Ken Blackwell is good enough for us.

CINCINNATI - Jean Schmidt may be sixth on the list of America's dumbest congressmen, but she's running against Victoria Wulsin, a candidate who has never held office in the worst Congress ever.

In order to truly understand and work with this spineless bunch of retards, we need someone like Schmidt. Someone not afraid to get dirty. Someone who will bring home the radioactive pork by kissing whatever ass it takes to get things done. 

With that said, here's the top 10 reasons we heart Jean Schmidt:

10. Gymnast sweater

9. Record-breaking marathon time

8. Makes Murtha cry

7. Hot twin sister fantasy (Jean on Jean)

6. Fights for freedom wherever there's trouble

5. Bring that nuclear waste dump here, not to some other state 

4. Bush says jump, Schmidt puts on sweater and asks how high

3. Plagiarisimo

2. Takes no crap from parade organizers

1. Schmidt happens

Though we hate to be like that other paper that tells you how to vote, you will shut your piehole and vote for Jean Schmidt like the scaredy little pantywaists you are.

CINCINNATI - Local CityBeat Editor John Fox received a Democratic Party Voter Guide in the mail on October 20th, which he later praised as "a real time-saver" when it came time to write up the all-Democrat endorsement bonanza in the October 25th issue. 

Then on October 30th, Fox received a Democratic Party Sample Ballot in the mail -  this time there were even more Democrats listed.

"I realize we had already published our endorsements, but I didn't want anyone to feel left out," said Fox, after publishing the next CityBeat all-Democrat endorsement bonanza in the November 1st issue.

After he saw there was "No Endorsement" for his seat, Local 32nd District State Representative Dale Mallory reportedly called Ohio Democratic Headquarters to make sure his name was being printed on their sample ballots.   This was clearly a missed opportunity for Mallory's opponent, Republican Kim Hale, since the Ohio Republican Party had not sent a Sample Ballot to John Fox's house.

Rep. Jean Schmidt, Cincinnati's biggest PR nightmare since Marge Schott called Eric Davis her "Million-Dollar Nigger," was endorsed by the Enquirer for shits and giggles on Sunday. 

After reviewing the litany of foot-in-mouth, plagiaristic, and hypocritical schenanigans that the junior senator has managed to squeeze into her relatively short, 2-year tenure, Enquirer's editorial board explains that she is "simply a better legislator than [Victoria] Wulsin", an advantage that every law-making incumbent has had over their challenger since the beginning of time.   

What can Wulsin do to win the Enquirer's coveted endorsement? Head a national public health agency.  That's right, it's going to take alot more than an experienced, successful medical professional to dethrone the biggest embarassment since Pete Rose pedaled his confession-signed baseballs on eBay.

In the end, the Enquirer sheepishly admits that Schmidt needs to "keep doing her homework and cut out the sloganeering nonsense" and "should develop a more sophisticated approach on international policy," but selects her as best woman for the job because she "will better reflect and serve the people of the 2nd District." 

Jorge Barnes, a 2nd district resident, responded:  "The Hell?" and then began looking for houses in a nuclear-waste-free district.

In its next editorial, The Enquirer is expected to endorse incumbent Mike DeWine for Ohio Senator because challenger "Sherrod Brown" rhymes with "Let us down."

N. KENTUCKY - The Creation Museum, brainchild of Reverend Ken Ham (with help from God), is $2 milion over its initially projected budget.

We caught up with a worried looking God outside his home in Cheviot.

"I should have planned better," said God. "The Dragon Hall Bookstore alone cost over $500,000." 

Other items sending the Museum over budget included the Chaos Cafe, with 5 deep fat fryers and a slurpee machine, and the hyper-realistic dragon heads, designed to scare the incarnate devil out of children.

God is hopeful that the advent of hundreds of thousands of visitors will offset these additional costs. The museum, about 30 miles from Cincinnati, may prove to be a popular destination for many who are convinced that man, dinosaurs, and twinkling pixies were all carried to safety aboard a 200-foot ark.  

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," said John Morris, President of the Institute for Creation Research.  

God and the Reverend Ham just hope that Cincinnatians are gullible enough to believe they came from a hypothetical supreme being made entirely out of marshmallow.