Yes, it is time for the Dealer 2008 Best 'Stuff Edition.  Thank you to our graphic design team, whose brainchild was this year's original "Pig" design, with the cool Bauhaus font.

Best excuse to make a random category for something random: Our Dealer "Best 'Stuff" edition, of course!

Best way to prove that you have absolutely no idea what a vegetarian restaurant is:  Year after year, vote for vegetarian-friendly non-vegetarian restaurants like Myra's, Mullane's and Melt in the Best Vegetarian Restaurant category, so long as they start with the letter "M".

Best ploy to show your city really counts for something, gosh:  Make sure to mention Ikea to all your visiting friends because this city is actually a trendy real city now that Ikea is here.  West Chester, that is.

Best way to use up space: Add silver, bronze, copper, and aluminum awards to your "Best of" edition.  Did you know that Biggs came in 2nd place for Best Grocery Store this year? Congrats, Biggs.

Best scheme to hype up a politician:   Talk up Roxanne Qualls as the anti-Mallory mayoral candidate. Anything Mallory does, Qualls does the opposite.  Obviously, everyone will recognize this as a sign of true leadership.

Best "who's your daddy" moment: Kroger agreeing to circulate CityBeat again, and practically single-handedly keeping this rag alive.

COLUMBUS - On Tuesday, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said she is leaving the decision to criminally prosecute March 4th's crossover voters to the Attorney General. 

However, according to Brunner, the Democrat impersonators could also face up to 4 years of Democratic junk mail and 8 years of Democratic robocalls for their crimes .

"For the crime of fraud, these crossover voters will have to endure up to 8 years of special messages from John Kerry and Jerry Springer on their answering machines," said Brunner.

"There may be additional penalties incurred," Brunner added, "Including 4 years of campaign circulars and special invitations to fundraisers hosted by Bill Clinton."

"That is the price you pay when you commit voter fraud and falsely declare your allegiance to a party," continued Brunner, "I believe that ought to be punishment enough."

For crimes of voter fraud, Republican crossover voters could also face up to 6 years of MoveOn.org canvassers at their doorsteps.

Indiana Police Explain Their Hate-itude

 MILAN, IN -  The Oak Hills party in Milan last weekend started out as a surprisingly great time for all involved, with lots of under-age drinking and any-age pot smoking, but the party organizers made one significant error: They didn't invite anyone from Indiana.

This mistake caused nine Indiana law enforcement agencies to sip "Haterade" at Ohio's expense,  and led to the arrest of 70 Cincinnati youth.  Nobody from Indiana was arrested.

According to official reports, the player-hating had started with one complaint over improperly parked cars.  The crime of improperly parked cars did not justify 70 arrests as much as the crime of not inviting the Milan Police Department to the party.  Milan Police Officer Jeb Podunkia was the first one to take umbrage at not being invited.

"We wanted to make a statement to Cincinnati," said Officer Podunkia, "You just don't throw a party in Milan without inviting the Milan Police Department."

Rather than just stopping the party, the Milan Police invited 8 other law enforcement agencies to take time out of their busy schedules to help crash the party.  The Indiana State Police, Sunman Police Department, Osgood Police Department, Batesville Police Department, Versailles Police Department, Moores Hill Police Department, Ripley County Sheriff's Office, and Dearborn County Sheriff's Office all joined in on the hating.

CINCINNATI - Cincinnati journalists got all self-conscious and shit this week, about everything from saying "Happy Easter" to shopping at Ikea.

In today's Enquirer, Carolyn Pione wondered aloud about the supposed lack of Easter coverage in today's Enquirer, despite the Enquirer's own pointless "Easter coverage".   Did Pione really need to get all self-conscious about it, or was this editorial merely an attempt to increase the number of times "Easter" is mentioned in today's issue?

If, as she proposed, Pione wants to go further and start including "coverage" of her own religious beliefs, maybe Pione should start with less personal stuff like publishing news articles about her teeth-brushing techniques.

In this week's CityBeat, Joe Wessels bemoaned that people aren't shopping at Ikea, since he is feeling self-conscious about shopping at Ikea himself.  I would like to assuage Joe Wessels's insecurity about shopping at Ikea.   In fact, I recommend that he purchase a Mongstad mirror (pictured right) the next time he wants to get all reflective and crap.   (After all, it goes without saying that Ikea will need Wessels's business to stay afloat since he is apparently the only one who shops there.)

Wessels's feelings of self-consciousness continued as he extrapolated one woman's Facebook blog into a theory that everyone else in Cincinnati has the same streetcar agenda.  He was obviously feeling self-conscious and shit about having a different opinion from someone else.

I do agree with Wessels that all of the differing opinions in Cincinnati on everything from streetcars to Ikea do somehow constitute "groupthink".  (And although I love groupthink, it is just killing us)   And Cincinnati really needs someone like Joe Wessels to "think outside the box" for us.   Actually, I lied. 

I would say that readers might think my rant in that last paragraph wasn't an example of Joe Wessels being "self-conscious", but I don't want to get all self-conscious and shit too.

A rare snapshot of Planned Parenthood sans dead baby photos

 MOUNT AUBURN - Local abortion activists protested somewhere other than Planned Parenthood for a change this week, while City Hall prepared to limit the number of dead babies one individual can display, from 1000 down to a paltry 4 dead babies per activist.

This week, several community activists demanded that city council allow "as many dead baby photos as possible" to be displayed in front of the Planned Parenthood in Mount Auburn.

"How are only 4 dead babies going to change a pregnant woman's mind?" said activist Dale Randall, "Everyone knows you need hundreds of pictures of dead babies in order to make an informed decision about abortion."

"I know that these protesters are making some kind of statement about abortion," said local realtor Rebecca Mills, "But what does that have to do with photos of miscarriages and stillbirths?"

Protesters claim that the dead baby photos have already had quite a positive impact on the community.   For example, local homemaker Suzy Squinton's doctor had warned that her pregnancy was threatening her life, and would probably end in a stillbirth.  Squinton had resisted getting an abortion, until she saw over 600 dead baby photos displayed on Auburn Avenue.

"Just a few pictures of stillbirths and miscarriages probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to abort," said Squinton,  "Thanks to the hundreds of dead baby photos that these nice men displayed, I decided that the right decision was to abort early rather than face a horrible stillbirth."

Many others await city council's decision, fearing the impact that less dead baby photos could have on the community. 

The Dealer had a brief chat with Cincinnati city councilman Cecil Thomas, seeking some elaboration on his claim that he had been offered 30 pieces of silver to support a ballot proposal that could put casino gambling in Cincinnati.

DEALER:  Cecil, you explained your opposition to the Casino Amendment by saying that you wouldn't sell out for 30 pieces of silver. Did someone bribe you to support this proposal?

CECIL THOMAS:  Yes they tried, but I refused to sell out my messiah for some Ohio casino. I'm not going to let anyone be crucified like Judas did, no matter how many chips all that silver will buy me at the blackjack tables.

DEALER:  Alright Cecil, do you also condemn church festival gambling, or are casinos a bigger problem?

CECIL THOMAS:  Matthew 21:12 tells us that Jesus threw out the crooked money changers and card dealers who had turned the holy temple into a casino, so we know casinos are bad.   But church festivals are outdoors, so they're cool with Jesus.  Do you remember when Jesus was gambling for loaves and fishes and he kept on winning more and more? Well, that took place outdoors.

DEALER:  Cecil, where is your messiah now, or has your messiah already been crucified by Indiana and Kentucky?

CECIL THOMAS:  Why art thou asking of me the whereabouts of my savior Christ?  Thou art residing with the Devil's henchmen if thou asketh me to betray Him.

DEALER: Uh okay, fair enough. Your fellow council members overwhelmingly voted to pass this measure.  Are you calling them a bunch of sell-outs? 

CECIL THOMAS:  No, in their defense, they really didn't have anything to sell out. They're just unholy and demonic, that's all.

DEALER: Cecil, thank you for this thought-provoking interview. 

CINCINNATI - Last month, Cincinnati city councilman Jeff Berding pressured the state legislature to put a constitutional amendment (Article 15 Section 13) on the ballot that would allow casinos in Ohio counties that neighbor other states that allow casinos.

Berding says that a casino in Cincinnati could help alleviate the chronic depression of Cincinnati's blackjack-deprived, lapdance-deprived, indoor Marlboro-deprived, Roman Candle-deprived, adult bookstore-deprived, and decent multiplex-deprived populace.

However, the amendment may lose statewide support unless neighboring counties like Warren County can stay competitive with their own casinos.  In order to encourage these counties to support the amendment,  Berding is now pushing for an amendment to the original amendment (Section 13b) that would allow Warren County and other Ohio counties that neighbor Ohio counties, that neighbor Kentucky and Indiana counties to legalize casino gambling.

Unfortunately, amendment 13b would leave counties like Greene, Clark, and Fayette out in the cold - which is why Berding says he hopes the legislature will also put amendment 13c on the ballot, so that counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to Kentucky and Indiana counties can also stay competitive.

WEST CHESTER - An insidious international cult that originated in Sweden has opened a local chapter this week in West Chester.  The cult, named Ikea, is devoted to the teachings of Supreme Guru Ingvar Kamprad who promotes "world peace through particle board".

The cult  initiated an advertising blitz in the area this month which attracted  thousands of converts. This was despite organized deprogramming attempts by local woodworkers against the cult's seductive philosophy of cheap furniture.

"Supreme Guru Ingvar is the truth, and his furniture is the way," claimed new convert Mary Macauley of Hyde Park, "And his furniture of truth leads to true happiness, which is sitting in a Hallsta chair while I blow kisses to Ingvar's 72 Rolls Royces."

Macauley, like many other local cult members, says she has already signed away last month's paycheck to the cult.

Cult members tend to spend much of their free time inviting friends and family members to the Ikea temple.  The rest of an Ikea cult member's grueling life is spent hand assembling the cult's disposable furniture, day and night. 

CINCINNATI - This week, Cincinnati gained notoriety among other cities, as having the only drug-free city water supply in the country.  All other cities tested positive because their residents were flushing prescription medications down the toilet.

Cincinnati passed the pharmaceutical drug test with flying colors, and only tested positive for caffeine, which was apparently flushed down the toilet during a local police cappuccino sting.

Water Works spokesman Rick Reynolds took some credit for the test results on Monday, while denying that he had spiked the water supply with Goldenseal.

Reynolds credited the Water Works's "pharmaceutical recirculation" program which helps residents who are burned out on a prescription medication to "share" their drugs with others, rather than flushing perfectly good drugs down the toilet.

 "Nobody in Cincinnati has flushed a single pill down the toilet since we started this pill sharing program, or we would've failed this drug test" claimed Reynolds.

Several Cincinnati residents expressed befuddlement at the news of other cities testing positive for drugs.

"Who in their right mind would flush a perfectly good bottle of Oxycontin, Vicodin, Percocet, Codeine, Lortab,  Xanax, Ritalin or Valium down the toilet?" said local resident Randall Jesse, "Don't tell me that other cities are doing that."

As a reward for passing the city water drug test, hundreds of thousands of area residents will be allowed to keep their jobs.

CINCINNATI - While more Executives at Cincinnati's Berkeley Premium Penis Pills await sentencing for not enlarging penises, this week U.S. District Judge Arthur Speigel granted lasting power to the company, whose recent spike is in danger of peaking prematurely.

"Although I haven't seen any penises enlarged by their 'Enzyte' product," noted Judge Speigel in his decision, "I have noticed results of increased stamina with Berkeley's 'Prulato' product."

"Therefore, I am returning the favor of increased stamina to Berkeley's most essential sector, their credit card processing division."

Convicted CEO Steve Warshack expressed gratitude for Judge Speigel's gesture, calling this news the climax of his day. 

"I would like to thank Judge Speigel for increasing Berkeley's vigor and lasting power," said Warshak, "Although things are very hard for us,  this will improve our performance and endurance."

"Thanks to Judge Speigel,  our business won't wallow in impotence, nor will we last only a few minutes," continued Warshak, "This important decision will extend our company's growth and longevity for hours, possibly even all night long."