CINCINNATI - Economic hardships and rising gas prices have affected many Cincinnatians, but particularly Christine Rutherford, a local mother who is doing her best to feed her family some Gobstoppers.

When Christine Rutherford masterminded a candy store heist Thursday morning, she didn't intend to resell over $400 worth of candy on the black market.  She also wasn't senselessly robbing the cash register.  She was only trying to feed her loved ones - plus she was "absolutely starving for a Zagnut bar". 

"Gas prices are up, but so are Goo Goo Cluster prices," said Rutherford, "And you do realize that the rising rate of Necco Wafer prices has exceeded inflation since the third quarter of 2006?"

"How am I supposed to feed my family and put Jujubes on the table, when the price of Jujubes is up 70 cents a pound over the last fiscal year?"

Rutherford isn't the only one in Cincinnati starving for something sweet.  Local leaders fear that unemployment and housing foreclosures coupled with the rising cost of Mike 'n Ikes could soon cause riots in the streets of Cincinnati.

It helps if the cops pull you over at a McDonald's drive-thru

CINCINNATI - Local drunks were comforted this week with the discovery of a new technique for avoiding DUI (Driving Under the Influence) charges, and with good reason. 

Many who enjoy to imbibe and drive may not realize that instead of being charged with drunk driving,  they can face the lighter charge of drunk parking like Officer James Dattilo did last month. 

Hamilton County Sheriff Leis says that he will crack down on DUI's, but a "PUI" (Parking Under the Influence) doesn't have a very stiff penalty.  This is welcome news to local drunkard Stephen Manarsky.

"You mean alls I got to do is park my car?" said Manarsky, "I always do that (hiccup) whenever the cops pull me over.  Does it count if my car is parked wrapped around a telephone pole?"

"I'll be sure to ask the Hamilton County Sheriff's (hiccup) Deputy to just give me a 'PUI' the next time they pull me over," concluded Manarsky.

A Skybus customer rebooks her travel arrangements

COLUMBUS - Whether by plane, train, or automobile, Skybus passengers are attempting to rebook their $10 flights with the competition.

Since Skybus has gone bankrupt, the airline is not required to rebook passenger flights with competitors. Not even a ticket with priority seating will help put a Skybus passenger in 1st class on a competing airline.

"I bought this expensive airplane ticket to Dallas on the Skybus for $10," said Jennifer Parks of Gahanna,  "And now I'm finding out that every airline charges a heck of a lot more.  Even Greyhound and Amtrak are charging more."

"Seems to me, they are just taking advantage of us because they know Skybus went bankrupt," Parks added.

Skybus executives were too busy revisiting an old Entrepreneurial Basics 101 textbook to answer reporters' questions. 

CINCINNATI - Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was let go this week after the Bengals did a random background check on him.

The Bengals organization runs a background check on all new employees, but they also perform random background checks on current employees.

"I know this is going to be a surprise for everyone," said Bengals president Mike Brown, "But the background check revealed that our beloved wide receiver isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen."

"In fact, he's been arrested many times, all underneath our noses," said Brown, "Who knew?"

The wide receiver said he disagreed with the decision to fire him all because of a background check.   Henry told reporters on Friday that he had just been starting to turn over a new leaf - the 17th leaf, in fact - and that the Bengals organization had been like a friend to him.

"And what's a little assault and criminal damaging among friends?" said Henry.

CINCINNATI - Reds fans across the Tri-state had only one thought on their minds after Johnny Cueto's major league debut yesterday:

"...!" 

Cueto's line:  7 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 10 K, 1.29 ERA

Interviewed afterwards, Cueto had this to say: "No hay problema," which roughly translated means, "It's nice to see some of the minor league reforms around here pay off after Castellini replaced that ass-clown Lindner."

Reporters nodded their heads in agreement, "Si, si."

CINCINNATI - This week, Hamilton County Commissioners Todd Portune and David Pepper said they would like to honor Reds legend Joe Nuxhall by renaming a section of Main Street as "Joe Nuxhall Way".

Just so the next dead Reds icon doesn't feel left out, the Commissioners would also like to open a new street near Great American Ballpark for the next Reds icon who kicks the bucket.

"There are so many more Reds icons out there who haven't died yet," said Commissioner David Pepper, "And we are runnning out of streets."

"That was the inspiration behind 'Next Dead Reds Icon Way',"  said Pepper, "This new street could eventually become Johnny Bench Way, Joe Morgan Way, Tony Perez Way, Marty Brenneman Way, or Tom Hume Way. It all depends on who dies next."

Hardhats provide protection against sky asteroids

CINCINNATI -  Drawing comparisons to a mock trial or a mock debate, local politicians staged a mock groundbreaking ceremony today at the site of The Banks, using plastic Play-Skool shovels and Tonka hardhats.

Today's toy shovel fun culminated a decade-long saga of imaginary playtime at the vacant lot between the two riverfront stadiums.

"This groundbreaking is the most groundbreaking groundbreaking ever," remarked Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory, "If we all close our eyes and pretend that this project is going to  happen, I believe our dreams will reach fruition almost... almost as if they were cotton candy clouds or gumdrop mountains."

The politicians' mock groundbreaking ceremony isn't the only imaginary part of "The Banks" history.  Some years ago, the politicicans even came up with an imaginary "Banks Working Group", which was never really a "Group" that was "Working", except when they all closed their eyes and went to their "happy place".

"I visualize that we will have a million condos, even more than The Ascent,"  County Commissioner Todd Portune told the crowd of friends, both real and imaginary, at today's mock groundbreaking ceremony.

"Plus a big screen movie theater, a magical garden center, the coolest shopping mall ever,  an office park, a park park, a hoverboard rental, and lazer tag, plus ginormous waterslides, and.. and a grocery store full of candy, and 3 Waffle Houses," continued Portune.

"All of this will be on top of the biggest coolest parking garage ever," he added, "And all of it will be completed by 2021.. make that 2035, at the latest."

Gallatin residents discuss Larry Gross's latest column

CINCINNATI METRO AREA - The Census Bureau has revised the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area to include a few counties which have recently transformed from rural areas into urban jungles complete with Taco Bells and everything.

Cincinnati USA welcomed new Cincinnati Metro Area members Gallatin, Brecken, Grant, and Franklin Counties this week, starting by sending a welcome wagon crew to the 7870 new urban pioneers of Gallatin County.

"First I have to figure out where the heck these new counties are," Cincinnati USA spokesman Pete Petrinsky told reporters before the trek to Gallatin this week,   "So I know where to take the fruit basket."

Gallatin County's new urbanists were excited about being annexed into "The Nati", and several have already started joining in on Cincinnati streetcar debates in the Cincinnati blogosphere.   A few others plan to audition for parts at the Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park.  Some have even started wearing Converse All-Stars. 

DAYTON - Thursday was a "Mission Accomplished" moment of sorts for President Bush, when he discovered a caché of inactive servicemen hidden at an Air Force hangar. 

Bush, who had been looking for more military who weren't already deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere, was in Dayton to deliver War on Terror speech #2310 at Wright-Paterson Air Force Base.  Actually, it was the same speech he always delivers, just the 2310th instance.

"Oh, there you boys are," said Bush, after discovering the concealed caché of unused but alive military personnel.

"I've been looking all over tarnation for you," Bush continued, "Hey, want to go to Iran?" 

"Heh-heh-heh-heh," Bush added.

Bush had also been in town to speak in defense of America's freedom to attend political fundraisers.