GREATER CINCINNATI - Delta Airlines struck a hawkish pose this week as it laid out the framework for a preemptive strike against Cincinnati Airport Terminal 3's Concourse C, the rogue airport concourse that has taken a obstinate position against Concourse A and Concourse B in recent months.

Concourse C had previously been isolated diplomatically and geographically, but some say that its continued failure to provide its own Underground Tram, Crown Club, and Panda Express, and refusal to remedy these problems may jeopardize the livelihood of the renegade concourse. 

Open inspections of peanut and Biscoff cookie stockpiles notwithstanding, the concourse has repeatedly resisted offering many of the other standard airport amenities.  Further straining diplomatic relations, a Concourse C leader recently poo-pooed some of the shared amenities in Concourse A and B.

"Look at me, I am an important Crown Club member," said Concourse C's Rick Sanderstone in a mocking tone, "I get to enjoy my own can of Coke in my own special lounge away from the common people because I'm sooooo special."

Delta Spokesman Charles Klonderhaar issued a statement setting a deadline of January 1st. His message was loud and clear: Open a Crown Club or get shut down.

"We have sent this message to Concourse C, not only due to its loud and overcrowded conditions but also for their annoying shuttle bus connection" said Klonderhaar, "We no longer consider it an official member of Terminal 3, and we hope the other airlines at CVG will unite with us in Operation C Elbow Room as we attempt to rein in this rogue concourse."

CINCINNATI - The Walgreens at the corner of Colerain and West Galbraith seems innocent enough, but a new petition being circulated by Congressman Steve Chabot says otherwise.  Due to its proximity to some area schools, Chabot is demanding that Walgreens close its operations before the school season begins, as he explained in a Monday morning press conference.

"This Walgreens is a den of obscenity, a location where birth control pills, condoms, lubricants, and pregnancy tests are being sold a stone's throw from both St. Ann Elementary School and AAAA Driving School," said Chabot.

"Walgreens lures these children into the store with their discounts on Twizzlers and Jujubes, which are conveniently located not far from the fruit-flavored lubes," he said.

Walgreens released a statement expressing confusion about the timing of this petition, since this location has been opened for over 5 years, and is not required to close its operations even if a petition urging its demise is started by a congressman.

Although this Walgreens does not perform abortions, Chabot made the argument that birth control pills were like "tiny abortions in candy form".  Nevertheless, even kids who don't have a prescription to the birth control pills are given other options by Walgreens, according to Chabot.

"You're not going to believe this, but they even sell coat hangers at this Walgreens," said Chabot.

CINCINNATI -Some of the biggest E. Coli recalls in history are happening this summer in the Tri-State area, with separate recalls of E. Coli sold at Kroger, Bigg's, and Whole Foods.

The recalls were prompted when customers became violently ill after consuming Prime Cuts of E. Coli and Ground Coli.

Some area consumers have switched to free range and open-pastured E. Coli in hopes that it will be healthier, but health officials from the Center for Disease Control say that is an incorrect assumption.

"Don't assume that a raw free-range bacterium is somehow healthier because it is allowed to run amok," said CDC microbiologist Daniel Petradash, "When these little buggers are not contained to a single cow turd or spinach leaf, they can pick up all kinds of diseases in their travels."

Petradash says he would like to remind E. Coli devotees that the little Coli do not feel pain if cooked to 160 degrees Fahrenheit, and are much less likely to go on a "free-range rampage in your stomach".

"If you do get the hankering for some sauteed E. Coli, whether free-range or not, just remember that E. Coli can still be tender and succulent even when properly cooked," he said.

SHARONVILLE - A container of Vick's VapoRub was arrested by Sharonville police on Saturday for the charge of offering body rubs without a license.

Police are considering a greater charge of prostitution, but only if they can prove that anyone paid to have sexual contact with the mentholated ointment container.

"It's not that we don't want containers of VapoRub to have any fun,"  said Sharonville Lt.John Cook, "We just don't want anyone paying for a special VapoRub massage."

This container of VapoRub isn't a licensed massage therapist, but Lt. Cook says that didn't stop it from offering to rub on an undercover cop's chest and throat, for the temporary relief of his cold.  

"And it didn't stop there," said Lt. Cook, "It proceeded to offer to rub on his muscles and joints, stating that it would temporarily relieve his aches and pains."

"Now if that isn't code language for prostitution, I don't know what is," he added.

Local consumer products giant Procter & Gamble, which manufactures VapoRub, quickly distanced itself from the rogue practicing-massage-without-a-license ointment container.  A P&G representative told reporters that this incident should not reflect poorly on all of the other law-abiding containers of VapoRub.

WARNING - Do not look at these pictures while operating heavy machinery 

MIDWEST - Insiders at the Obama and McCain campaigns say they would like to tap into the all-important boring vanilla demographic, and are hoping to find the perfect candidate for these voters in Indiana's Evan Bayh, and Ohio's Rob Portman.  Analysts believe that both politicians can help motivate boring vanilla voters to get their noses out of the J. Crew Catalog and out to the polls. 

"There is a significant sector of the population that cares more about the specials at the Olive Garden than who they will vote for this November," said an anonymous Republican strategist, "And their voices must be heard." 

McCain's humor and Obama's charisma do nothing for the average boring vanilla voter, who describes himself as politically "middle-of-the-road", and would much rather debate the merits of Mller Lite versus Bud Light..   Fortunately, Bayh and Portman have both weighed in on this issue, Bayh preferring Miller Lite, and Portman siding with Bud Light.   

The boring vanilla demographic is multifaceted, a subset of both the "values voters" and "latte voters" demographics - that being the "boring vanilla values voters", and of course the "boring vanilla latte voters". 

According to one anonymous political analyst, in addition to the draw for this important demographic, boring vanilla icons like Portman and Bayh can help balance the tickets in other ways.

"i'm sure the Obama campaign would like nothing more than someone like Bayh as an opener whose speech can lull voters into a hypnotic trance before Obama's platitudes elevate them into a state of nirvana," he said.  

"On the other side, with the stark contrast between McCain and the ultimate boring vanilla guy in Rob Portman, McCain might actually be able to extract something resembling excitement from the crowd." 

 

CINCINNATI -   With its poor showing in 2008, this week Cincinnati-based Fifth Third Bank tried to squash rumors of being bought out,  further raising speculations as to the potential buyer. 

Local blogger Dean of Cincinnati has tipped financial market watchers as to the identity of 5/3's new buyer. According to the Dean, one only needs to look at 5/3's logo through the lens of a kaleidoscope to reveal the logo of its new buyer: financial giant Wachovia. 

A quick phone call to Wachovia's new CEO Bob Steele confirmed the Dean's suspicions. 

"That's weird," said Steele, "I actually had a vision of 5/3's logo while staring at the Wachovia logo.  This was after finishing my third fifth of bourbon last night."  

"The two logos are obviously a match made in heaven," added Steele, "Plus they're name is even goofier than ours.. I think we'll buy them.

Other than the blue & green logos, goofy names, and poor 2008 showings, neither Wachovia CEO Bob Steele nor the Dean of Cincinnati could provide any further reason for the banks' compatibility.

Rather than change the name of Fifth Third to Wachovia, Steele says they will most likely combine the names of the two banks, in the Fifth Third tradition, giving the new bank the name of Fifth Third Wachoviath.  

Glimpses at the logos of PNC Bank, Provident Bank, and Key Bank through a kaleidoscope were inconclusive. 

COLUMBUS - Columbus Attorney D. Michael Crites, the Republican candidate chosen to run in a special election to replace Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann, revealed his plan Friday to "comb over the AG office with a fine-toothed comb". 

"As Ohio Attorney General, I promise to add my own growth and maturity to the Attorney General's office," Crites told reporters, "And then carefully comb that growth over the bald spot of impropriety, left by Marc Dann."

"This is all speaking metaphorically, of course," added Crites.

Crites additionally promised voters a steady, unwavering comb over of the Attorney General office, "much like the combing over that Senator John McCain and Congressman Steve Chabot have brought to Congress."

Crites declined to comment on allegations that he is being investigated by the hair police for crimes against eyesight.

NORWOOD - Eleven acres of grass and dirt remain untouched since the Ohio Supreme Court finally ended the city of Norwood's abuse of eminent domain. "It's horrible, absolutely horrible," said Oakley resident Cassie Armstrong to the Enquirer.

Membres of the West Chestre Communitie gathre around the Towne Centre Clocke Towre

WEST CHESTER TWP -  In the tradition of its recent additions, "The Square at Union Centre" and "Towne Centre Square", West Chester Township is in the process of renaming itself to the more quaint "West Chestre Towneshippe".

The only item holding up the name change is a debate between township trustees as to whether the word "West" has an "e" on the end of it or not, a sticking point that Trustee Catherine Stoker supports.

"The 'e' at the end of 'West' just goes without saying," said Stoker, "Next thing, I suppose you're going to try to tell me that 'Towne' shouldn't have an 'e' on the end of it."

Trustee Lee Wong sees it differently.

"Towne is obviously pronounced the same as 'Town', but 'Weste' with an 'e' at the end almost looks foreign, possibly French," said Wong.

Nevertheless, both Stoker and Wong can agree on one thing: Stoker should definitely  change her last name to "Stokre".