WASHINGTON - This week, President Obama met with the Federal Railroad Administration concerning Cincinnati's Issue 9. 

Obama later told reporters that if Issue 9 passes, the plans for a national high-speed rail network will have to go on hold "until Cincinnati voters have approved of our national project".

"Although many cities would gladly replace Cincinnati as a central midwestern hub for this high speed passenger rail network," said Obama, "Cincinnati's Issue 9 simply means that we will have to shelve this entire national project until Cincinnati voters have made their final decision".

"It just wouldn't be fair to exclude Cincinnati from all our initial planning merely because we have to wait for them to schedule and vote in a referendum 2 years after all the planning begins," he said.

Obama then noted that it might be much easier to change the national spelling of the word "passenger" to "passenjer" in order to bypass Issue 9's obstacle to "all passenger rail".

CINCINNATI -  On Monday, the President of the local chapter of the NAACP, Christopher Smitherman, proposed that the local chapter break off from the national NAACP, in order to exclusively focus on issues that aren't even remotely associated with the national NAACP's historic work.   Smitherman aims to instead focus on the evils of passenger rail transit.

The new name, The New Association for the Advancement of COAST's Politics, references the pro-suburban organization "COAST" which is concerned with promoting cars (especially the type of cars that coast).

Smitherman had essentially already married the local chapter to COAST's pro-car and anti-train politics, so the NAACP acronym's new meaning seemed a natural fit. 

 "We didn't want to change much about the NAACP," said Smitherman,  "We already had the logo and the group.. plus, I am President, so why change anything there?" 

"It's just that the national NAACP didn't seem to really understand how all passenger rail will destroy black people in Cincinnati, so we just had to break off from them."

Smitherman still contends that passenger rail somehow threatens the livelihood of black people.

"Everyone knows that as a slave, John Henry died building a streetcar line," said Smitherman, "If only there had been an anti-passenger rail initiative in John Henry's time."

 "If we do accept federal money for the streetcar or any other choo-choo train projects, it's just Cincinnati's first step towards enslaving black people again."

On Monday, an anonymous member of COAST also voiced his concern to the The Dealer that federal stimulus rail projects such as the streetcar, might help revitalize the city's core.

 "If the Cincinnati city core continues down this dangerous 'revitalization' path," he said,  "Possibly even less people will want to move to the suburbs, and our property values in Indian Hill, Mason, Sharonville, and West Chester will all plummet." 

CINCINNATI -  Should the city of Cincinnati have red light cameras?  Former Mayor Luken vetoed them.  Mayor Mallory said he would veto any red-light camera ordinances passed by City Council, while Council itself rejected red-light cameras this year. 

Additionally, Issue 7 passed last week, effectively banning red-light cameras from Cincinnati.  However, some members of City Council want a fifth opinion.

"The mayor has spoken, City Council has spoken, and the people of Cincinnati have spoken," said Councilman Cecil Thomas, "But are we really really sure about not doing the whole red light camera thing?"

Thomas convinced Council on Monday that a focus group of visitors to Cincinnati needs to weigh in on the issue, "just to be really really certain".

The focus group of city visitors will be given a faux $120 dollar traffic ticket, along with a survey asking them whether the ticket would make them more or less likely to return to Cincinnati.  A follow-up survey would then ask if they are "absolutely sure" about their answers to the first survey.

TOLEDO - A middle-class Toledo man has become a media sensation after daring to question Obama on his plan to increase taxes on millionaires.  Dubbed "MegaMillions Joe" by the McCain campaign, Joe Wurzelbacher plans to win the MegaMillions lotto sometime next year.

"I was looking forward to winning the $35 million jackpot sometime in March," said Wurzelbacher, "But when I saw that Obama's tax plan could bring me down from 35 million to only 33 million, that just kind of like deflated my hopes, you know?"

Wurzelbacher called the tax increase back to Ronald Reagan levels, "pure socialism".  Local supporters of  "MegaMillions Joe" agreed.

"My heart bleeds for any lottery winner who is burdened with winning $35 million during the Obama administration," said Harvey Wipsnar, a Toledo janitor who says he will stop playing the lottery if Obama wins.

Upon further investigation and interviews by the media, it was learned that Wurzelbacher didn't realize that lottery winnings are already substantially taxed, and Obama's plan calls for a relatively minor increase.

Furthermore, "MegaMillions Joe" had never actually bought a lottery ticket - he didn't even realize that it was necessary to purchase a lottery ticket in order to win the lottery.    Wurzelbacher even believed that the welfare checks his family had received were actually small lottery winnings.

Nevertheless, what struck the biggest blow to his "Megamillions Joe" lotto player authenticity was when he told reporters that he would prefer annual payments to the lump sum "cash option". 

The resulting uproar forced "MegaMillions Joe" to appear on Fox News every day this week, so he could repeatedly implore the media to leave him alone.

INDIAN HILL - On Monday, Independent 2nd District Congressional candidate David Krikorian claimed that there were some inconsistencies in Congresswoman Jean Schmidt's story about being hit by a car on her right side while jogging last week. 

"I listened to Jean Schmidt tell her story on the news, and that really isn't how I remember mowing her down at all," Krikorian told reporters.

Krikorian said that he had not edged dangerously closer to the side of the road, as Schmidt claimed the unknown hit and run driver had done.

"She was the one who nearly ran me off the road," said Krikorian, "After blinding me with her reflector vest, she did a pirouette, stuck out her bony left hip, and put a huge dent in my passenger side door, all while making sassy remarks about patriotism."

"I know exactly what happened because I was there," said Krikorian, "How can we trust Congresswoman Schmidt, when I know for a fact it was definitely not her right side, but her left side that I plowed into."

"Now don't feel sorry for her - this lady has hips made of titanium," he added, "You should feel sorry for me - I spilled coffee all over my trousers."

After reporters confronted him on the fact that his car was undamaged, Krikorian was forced to confess that he could not take credit for mowing down Schmidt.   He said he had a good reason to lie about being the hit and run driver.

 "Sorry, that was just my ploy to get sympathy, and therefore, votes," said Krikorian.

After receiving medical treatment for two broken ribs and two broken vertebrae, Schmidt ran the Chicago marathon on Sunday in 3 hours 48 minutes.  She is back in Washington this week, working on a $12 million sidewalk earmark. 

[After a lengthy hiatus, The original Spleen of Cincinnati returns to reclaim the persona that was stolen!!  The piss-poor imitator who stole your humble Spleen's moniker was so ashamed after his blatant theft was exposed, that he removed all of his blog entries.]

Some will refuse to believe it, but there is a part of me committed to doing comparative discount shopping until the moment I pull my bascart into a checkout lane.   I always remain open to one store swaying me over another. 

That said, I still advocate for whichever store provides the best deals, whether it be clothing, dishware, or sporting goods.  And, at this time, I happen to be enjoying the great deals at Value City - beautiful furniture, stylish clothing,  colorful candles, and fragrant jars of potpourri.

So yesterday I decided to exhibit my appreciation of Value City's amazing prices and friendly customer service by handing out Value City coupons and circulars at the Target in Mount Healthy.  Although a big box store like Target is supposedly "open to the public", I was surprised by my rough treatment.

1.  Foul-mouthed hypocrisy

Walking around the Target men's department, one Target shopper who I'd just given a Value City flier asked me "Who the hell shops at Value City?"  I then replied, "Who the hell shops at Target?"  Not that I believe Target is all bad, I just wanted to reflect his negativity back at him.

Amazingly, this pathetic excuse for a frugal shopper acted offended that I would say the exact same thing back to him.  Hypocrisy, anyone?  That move just cost you Target shoppers and your ilk 42 points.

2.  No Value City coupons allowed inside.

I was eventually told by several Target employees and then management that I couldn't distribute Value City circulars at Target.   I'm not sure if passing out Value City fliers and coupons at an open-to-the-public Target location should be that big of a deal, particularly since all kinds of people there were carrying Target circulars with them. 

But here is the thing: Target's motto is "Expect More, Pay Less".  Target is supposed to value discounted items..  Essentially they are supposed to value value, the kinds of values provided on a daily basis by Value City.   So, when Target shows they support cost-cutting values at their store, but not other amazing discounts which don't happen to be available at Target, it just makes me a bit disillusioned.  Minus 35 points for Target.

3.  “If you don’t leave, we are going to call the police.”

I’m not sure why my meager distribution of Value City information would incite anyone to extreme actions, but I couldn’t believe I was receiving this threat from a mindless Target employee drone who attempted to intimidate me.

I double-dog dare any Target store manager to press charges against me for exercising my freedom in a public place.  In the meanwhile, I’m taking 38 points more for the supreme disrespect for my right to peaceful and nonviolent distribution of Value City coupons.  That takes Target down 115 points.

4.  “I’d shop at Value City, but they don't have much selection.”

Before I was unjustly kicked out of the store, one of the Target shoppers had the nerve to tell me this. 

If everyone who said this went ahead and actually shopped at Value City, then they would have a much larger selection.  Enough said!

Target and stores like it are guilty of large-scale brainwashing so they can maintain their market dominance.  I’m taking 27 points for the sheer stupidity at play here.

5. Forcing the debate between Target and Wal-Mart

After being kicked out into the cold rain by a supposedly free market-espousing Target manager, one "savvy" shopper in the Target parking lot informed me that there was no real competition between Value City and Target - He condescendingly informed me that Wal-Mart is the only real competitor for Target out there, as if Target and Wal-Mart are the only stores in existence. 

When I asked this Target shopper about the values to be found at Stein Mart, Value City, and Family Dollar, he laughed in my face.  That arrogance just cost you Target shoppers another 25 points.

Final total -   The Spleen: 167, Target and all Target shoppers: 0.

CINCINNATI -   While Proportional Representation (PR) is on the ballot this year, its biggest advocates are emphasizing how simple it is to understand.  One aspect that is downplayed by many Issue 8 proponents is the role chance takes in PR. 

Under PR, a simple roll of the die on election night  can decide who will be on city council.   After the polls close in a PR system, the Board of Elections will gather around to roll a special 8-sided die.   This die will determine which of the following eight PR variations will be implemented:

1.  Extra Representation - First, you divide the winning margin of the top candidate by 9.  You take the remainder and then multiply it by whatever number comes up on your Ouija board.  Multiply this number by 10, take the square root, and then you should have a precinct number.  This precinct's voters will then have all of their second choice ballots counted.  Rinse and repeat.

2.  Non-Voter Representation -  Unlike other variations of PR, this system does not transfer the votes of the candidates who received the least votes.  Instead, these candidates will receive a set of "virtual votes" from the non-voting public.  The theory is that the candidates who receive the lowest vote totals would best represent the sizeable non-voting public.

3. Height-Weight Proportionate Representation - This system will eliminate all candidates who are full-figured or those who have a "few extra pounds".  Their votes will then be donated to the American Obesity Association.

4.  IQ Range Representation - This system will split the voters into nine IQ ranges, based on a quick IQ test.  The candidate with the most votes from an IQ range wins a seat on council.  This ensures that all IQ ranges are fairly represented.

5.  Abstract Expressiontation - This method only counts the vote bubbles which have been penciled in with feeling.

6. One Voter, Almost One Vote - This calculating technique will count a voter's top two choices as two percentages, the sum of which equal 0.999999999.

7. Roxanne Representation - In this system, the candidate with the most first place votes (Roxanne Qualls) appoints her first choice to join her on council. Then that person picks his/her first choice, and so on, and so on, until all 9 seats are filled.

8. Mulligan Representation - This version of PR is a repeated process of counting the ballots, both original and randomly selected.    The Board of Elections then keeps on issuing recounts until Mayor Mallory is satisfied with the final results.

CINCINNATI - In November, the Board of Elections will actually use Proportional Representation (PR) when PR goes on the ballot for Issue 8, so that voters can better understand how  PR works.   

Voters will have a chance to rank their "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" choices on the ballot (see picture example). PR advocates applauded this move, stating that "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" would be better represented by their constituencies in this election.

Here's how PR works:

For purposes of this example, let's say "No" gets the most first place votes in November. Any surplus of votes for No will then be redistributed to the surplus voters' second choice.   So some No voters get their first choice, while other, specialer No voters get their second choice.

If enough No voters had chosen a second choice of "Maybe", then Maybe could potentially move into first place, and become more proportionally represented than No.   However, many of  Maybe's new surplus of votes could then be deferred to the third choice of even specialer voters: "Yes".   Therefore, "Yes" would become the winner, becoming truly, the most proportionally represented of them all.

 
One bumper sticker warning that the windstorm didn't heed

CINCINNATI - Sunday's windstorm, whether brought on by Hurricane Ike or a Cincinnati hockey mascot, totally ignored warnings by the Ohio Department of Agriculture to never move firewood under any circumstances.

"When that windstorm decided to pull down trees, and blow broken tree limbs everywhere, I don't know if it realized that it was blatantly breaking Ohio law," said Ohio Dept. of Agriculture head Robert Boggs, "You should never move firewood, even if you happen to be a windstorm, and you're only moving the firewood 200 feet."

"And that goes for everyone visiting this state, whether you're about to go camping in one of Ohio's beautiful state parks,  or if you're getting ready to cause blackouts for thousands of people," said Boggs.

Boggs is asking that the windstorm be fined 2 million dollars for the crime of moving firewood, and 3.5 million for just being an "overall putz".

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Cyclones' loveable yet psychotic mascot "Twister" made a surprise summertime appearance in the Tri-State area on Sunday.

Since Cincinnati isn't typically well-known for its cyclones, Twister decided that his team wasn't getting the publicity it needed and deserved.

"We won the Kelly cup this year, and our team didn't even sell out tickets for the finals," Twister told reporters as he nonchalantly toppled some Clifton power lines.

"People complain about the losing sports teams in Cincinnati, but they never even come to our games," he added, while tossing a satellite dish as if it were a frisbee.

"First it was the Kelly Cup, but this year the Cyclones are taking over the world," he screamed, as he ripped an 80 foot tree from its root system.

"After I'm finished here, nobody will ever forget this Cincinnati cyclone."