COLUMBUS - A science experiment gone awry has drawn the attention of millions of Christians.  Mount Vernon Middle School Science teacher John Freshwater was only trying to demonstrate to his class the volatile effect that burning a student's arm can have on a teacher's career.

^{The image of Jesus on the cross which miraculously appeared after Freshwater burned an "X" into the child's arm has rocked the Christian world.} 

^{"This was merely a lesson for students" said Freshwater, "I never expected a miracle.  To be punished for God's intervention is outrageous."}

^{Inspired by the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich that fetched $28,000, the enterprising student has put his arm up for sale on Ebay.}
 

3CDC did not curb spending on helpful orange paint, so you know exactly where to pop your wheelie

CINCINNATI -  Apparently Fountain Square Garage is joining in on the fun events at Fountain Square, as The Cincinnati Beacon reported on 3CDC's obstacle course for people in wheelchairs.

Wheelchair-bound visitors who don't want the challenge of dodging traffic or popping wheelies will have to park elsewhere for the time being.

"We just spent a big chunk of our budget on hundreds of disposable dead fish," said Fountain Square managing director Bill Donabedian, "So you can see why it was important to curb our curb spending."

"And the cost of adding the letters 'USA' to the end of all our Taste of Cincinnati marketing materials has also put a damper on our recent budget," continued Donabedian, "So I hope the handicapped people understand."

As part of the plan to curb their curb spending, 3CDC will be distributing a much more affordable "Wheelchair Wheelies" factsheet at the garage.

CINCINNATI - Political analysts took note this week as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune took himself out of consideration as Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee.

At a special press conference today, Portune sought to preempt any possible rumors floating around that he might actually be on Obama's "short list".

"I am flattered to be considered," said Portune, "But I am not seeking the office of Vice President of the United States at this time.  I don't know if I could possibly be any clearer."

"I would of course be honored," he said, "But I am just a humble civil servant and awesome attorney who has never cheated on his wife."

"My talents are much better suited for a more simple office than the Vice Presidency, such as... oh I don't know, Ohio Attorney General, for one."

CINCINNATI - An area dog molester would like to remain anonymous from the community at large, he told The Dealer this week.

Accused of molesting dogs in 17 states, the Fido fondler says he would like to avoid the intrusion of the public eye as he attempts to move on with his life.

 "I would appreciate it if you preserved my anonymity for this story," the pooch petter told The Dealer, "I really would like to keep this matter between myself and my dog... I mean god."

In an effort to help the dachshund diddler preserve his anonymity, The Dealer has obscured his photograph so that nobody could possibly recognize him.  

Nevertheless, local dog owners are advised to keep  their dogs leashed, especially in the vicinity of City Hall, where the anonymous dog molester may or may not be an anonymous office holder.

But I thought this would be a body rub.

But are the words "hot hot hot steamy body rub" necessarily code for illegal prostitution?  Not according to local Adult Entertainer Shirley Minxxx.

"You have no idea how many suckers think they're going to get laid when they hear those magic words," said Minxxx.

Rather than the Hamilton County Sheriff concentrating his efforts on arresting prostitutes, he has joined the CCV in its war on euphemisms.

"We will win the war on euphemisms," said Sheriff Simon Leis, "We must absolutely ban anyone from using language that could possibly be misconstrued as illegal, especially in alternative news weeklies."

"It's not that prostitutes are hard to prosecute," added Sheriff Leis, "It's just that words are a much easier target ."

Ironically, anything the CCV pays attention to, they are effectively promoting -  Monday's news conference has prompted a surge in hot tantric massages and steamy reiki body work performed by local hot stunning brunettes.

CINCINNATI –  Hundreds of fish donated their lives this week so they could be tossed around by local corporate groups and then disposed, as part of Bill Donabedian’s brilliant plans to reinvent Fountain Square.

One of the brothers of the deceased issued the following statement:

When Pesco was captured by that net, we worried that he was donating his life merely to exact revenge on the people who pollute our waters with dioxins and heavy metals.

We were relieved to hear that rather than being eaten, Pesco merely wanted to have his body tossed around for fun, and then thrown into a trash barrel.

While we miss him, it speaks volumes that fun-loving Pesco donated his life to the cause of fun, rather than harming someone’s health.

Next month, Donabedian plans to follow up the fish-throwing contest with a roadkill-throwing contest.

WESTSIDE  -  "Low Property Taxes", "Close to Wal-Mart", "No cicadas every 17 years" - These are some of the features that real estate agents on Cincinnati's westside are claiming this spring on the MLS.

The cicadas show up every 17 years, once in 1987,  and then in 2004.   Now in 2008, the eastside is getting the cicadas who can't do math.

At the absence of other reasons to buy on the westside,  realtor Jeff Swenson has really been pushing this feature in this spring's house sales.

"This second cicada wave is even a better selling point than I imagined," says Swenson of the reemergence, "Cincinnati house-buyers can avoid cicadas 3 times during a 30-year-mortgage."

"Although there honestly aren't many other reasons to buy on the westside, that's 4 months that you won't have to deal with the cicada noise or worry about finding that white cicada sperm on the bottom of your shoe," added Swenson.

On the other side of Cincinnati, eastside realtors are spinning the cicada infestation with a giant billboard on I-71 - "Eastside Cincinnati - Even the cicadas prefer to live here". 

0 out of 3 ain't bad

The identity thief, a Presbyterian store clerk named Brett Pritchard, said his only motive was to defy the stereotypes that Amanda Mayes had promoted.

"I nabbed Amanda Mayes's social, not only for the profitability aspect," said Pritchard, "But to prove that you don't have to be a Jew to steal her black identity."

"And how sweet it feels to steal her identity," added Pritchard, "All of a sudden I'm out of the red, and into the black, and I owe it all to Nate Livingston."

Livingston is currently seeking a blogging service that respects his First Amendment right to publish Mayes's social security number, credit card number, PayPal password, and medical record history.

New developments have emerged in the aftermath of Senator Hillary Clinton's reference to the RFK assassination. The Dealer has obtained a copy of Hillary's personal long-term planning calendar that would seem to corroborate the Clinton campaign's assertion that she uses assassinations as timeline markers on her calendar. 

Purple People Bridge Climb, we hardly knew ye

CINCINNATI / N. KY -  May 23rd is the one year anniversary of the Purple People Bridge Climb's demise, and many locals are sharing their bittersweet memories of the Purple People Bridge Climb.

"The bridge climb was wonderful," said Hyde Park resident Mitch Applebee, "We got to dress up in L.A. Lakers jumpsuits, and learned how to climb really steep stairs.  What a rush, and all for the low price of $79.95."

 "The best part was the training," said Mount Adams resident Stephanie Smyth, "We learned how to use mountain climbing equipment on a railed catwalk. Thanks to the bridge climb, I will always have that knowledge.  I now use caribiners, rope, and a harness whenever I need to climb out on my fire escape."

"The view was spectacular," said Covington resident Lenny Sampson, "It was sort of like being on the Carew Tower Observation Deck, only 500 feet lower and 77 dollars more expensive.  How sad that it's been a year since it ended." 

Although the bridge climb mysteriously and tragically ended on May 23rd, 2007, it is not forgotten, and its memory will live on in the hearts of many.