Marc Dann investigating the lint on his suit

COLUMBUS -  After being pressured to appoint a special investigator who would investigate himself for impeachment proceedings,  Marc Dann decided there was only one investigator who was qualified to investigate himself: Marc Dann.

"He really is the most qualified to investigate Marc Dann, and really knows the most about this situation," said Dann, "I don't know of anyone who would be better for this impeachment investigation than Marc Dann, and that's why I appointed him."

Soon after making the historic self-appointment,  Dann discovered that there were big problems with how Marc Dann had conducted himself as Ohio Attorney General.  

 "After further review of Attorney General Dann, I have discovered that he sure messed things up," said Dann on Wednesday, "I have no further details to add, other than it would seem that Marc Dann should really make up with his wife, and I really really hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive him."

Marc Dann asked for Marc Dann's resignation, effective immediately, and recommended impeachment if Dann resisted. 

Putting up no resistance,  Marc Dann obliged Marc Dann's request, putting in his two weeks notice retroactive to two weeks ago.

Meet Marc Ann

COLUMBUS - On Saturday, Ohio Democratic Party leaders nearly unanimously voted to strip the "D" from Marc Dann's last name - a move that is sure to distance the Democrats from the disgraced Ohio Attorney General, but could cause confusion as impeachment proceedings are being considered.

"Without that D in his name, Marc Dann will have absolutely nothing to do with the Democratic Party," said Governor Strickland. "We are also looking into changing his voter registration to Republican."

"He just doesn't deserve that 'D' in his last name", said party chairman Chris Redfern.

"I just hope he doesn't try to use a legal loophole to avoid impeachment," said Redfern, "After all, Marc Ann wasn't the one who had an affair."

In response to the change, Marc Ann engaged in a bit of sexual harrassment with the executive party committee, telling them, "Suck my D".

CINCINNATI - In first a sign of support and then a show of defiance, Congressman Steve Chabot voted for a resolution to support Mother's Day and then voted against it.

The house had just voted unanimously to support, H.R. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when many  Republicans had a change of heart. 

Chabot explained that many of the mothers in this country such as 'yo mama are fat and/or ugly and could also be potential illegal aliens or terrorists.

In a sign House Republicans could care less about getting re-elected, Chabot used his time on the House floor to tell "yo mama" jokes. 

"Yo mama's so illegal," Chabot said to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "they can fit 10 of her in the back of a pickup truck."  

178 other Republicans agreed with him including Speaker of the House John Boehner and Congresswoman Jean Schmidt.

When asked how she herself felt as a mom, Schmidt replied "Yo mama's so ugly, Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her." 

John Boehner  went on record as needing to adjourn until such time as a clear American definition of mom could be worked out that would exclude 'yo illegal mama.

CINCINNATI -  Papa John's pizza chain recently sold Cleveland 23 cent pizzas to apologize for printing t-shirts that dissed Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James,  #23.   Now a local Tri-State area protest group has popped up demanding that Papa John's dis Bengals (sic) wide receiver Chad Johnson.

"Dis Chad Johnson! Dis Chad Johnson" chanted the group outside a Papa John's on Vine Street,  "We demand an apology.  We want our 85 cent pizzas and we want them now."

The group was all wearing bootleg Papa John's dis t-shirts (pictured above).  

"I can even give Papa John's the design for this shirt so they can print some up," said PJ Dis CJ group leader Bruce Pusworthy, "Then we will all await our apologies in the form of 85 cent pizzas."

The group has even lobbied regional manager Julia Harlan at the Tri-State Papa John's corporate offices.

"Actually, 85 cents is a lot more than 23 cents," said Harlan, "So I can understand why we would prefer to run this promotion, but what I don't understand is why we would want to apologize for dissing Chad Johnson?"

INDIANA -  Indiana sexists and racists went to the polls today to finally cast their ballots in the prolonged battle for supremacy between sexism and racism.   These were the only factors in their votes today, being that no other issues are pertinent.    This contest has been so well-fought that many have been hoping that either sexism or racism would just drop out of the running.  

 "I'm voting for racism," said Gina Silver, racist mother of three in South Bend, "You know, it definitely is a hard decision to make, but which one will get more support in November?" 

"Just about everyone nowadays is racist, and that's why I feel racism will prevail in the General Election this November," she said.

Indianapolis sexist  Pat Hoffman sees things differently, and has chosen to side with sexism.

"With sexism, everyone's on one side or the other, but with racism there are too many different ethnic groups out there," said Hoffman, "The sexists just make up a larger voting bloc - it's simple arithmetic."

However, most Indiana voters polled are in agreement that no matter what happens today, either sexism or racism would be preferable to John McCain.

If only this was a picture of Marc Dann's nude mistress

COLUMBUS -  The identity of Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann's mistress hasn't been publicized yet, but millions of Ohioans are already clamoring for her nude pictorial.

A recent survey of Ohio men showed that while 80% are outraged that the Attorney General cheated on his wife,  3 out of 5 still wonder what his mistress's turn-ons, turn-offs and cup size are.

Rumors around Columbus hold that Dann's mistress asked for a few more weeks of privacy so she could get back into shape for the imminent Cincinnati Gentleman magazine centerfold.  That isn't a good enough excuse for Cincinnati resident Darrell Rector.

"Only a few days after hearing about Spitzer's affair, I got to see nude pictures of Alexandra Dupre on the internet," said Rector, "Plus I heard Alexandra's gonna be in Playboy. What is taking Dann's mistress so long? Don't tell me that Marc Dann is the only one who gets to see her naked."

SAYLER PARK - The Hamilton County Department of Job and Family Services is investigating a Sayler Park green recycling bin for distributing empty liquor bottles and empty beer cans to minors.

The investigation was requested by Hamilton County Muncipal Court Judge Bernard Bouchard after he found photos of the harmful recyclables while browsing MySpace.  Judge Bouchard marked it as the first time in county history that underage teenagers have come in contact with alcohol paraphernalia.

"I was grateful when SkateQueen1992 added me as a friend," said Judge Bouchard, "But I was later horrified to discover that her household's green recycling bin might be a dangerous influence in both her and her sister's lives."

"This green bin ought to have known the devastating effects of combining beer and Jagermeister," continued Bouchard, "I realize these containers were empty, but what a horrible example to set for these girls."

 "Always remember,  vodka and beer, have no fear..  Beer and Jager, prepare to meet your maker," added Bouchard.

The green bin was unavailable for comment.

Watch for a sign like this in front of   Burt Safer's house on Shady Grove Lane

COLUMBUS - The Ohio legislature voted today to do away with Ohio's antiquated payday loan industry, replacing it with obscure webzine writer and loan shark, Burt Safer of Cincinnati.

Legislators agreed that the payday loan industry's average APR of 391% was much too high, and that Mr. Safer's APR of only 365% was much more reasonable.  

For example, a debtor who takes out a $100 loan, and repays it over a 40 year period, could now save over $1000 using Safer's plan.  The savings from Safer's low DPR (Daily Percentage Rate) of only 1% per day really do add up.

Leaders of the Ohio House also agreed with Mr. Safer that the average 2-week term of a payday loan in Ohio is much too short.  Safer insisted that debtors could potentially underestimate the ramifications of high interest rate loans if the loans are restricted to a two-week time frame.

Under Mr. Safer's more transparent plan, loans would have a minimum term of three months,  assuming no helpful pre-payment penalties are incurred.  There would also be a low $5 dollar processing fee for every $50 that Mr. Safer has to pocket.   But that's not all -   Included in Mr. Safer's generous offer is a $20 wage garnishing surcharge.

"And with every loan, I am offering a free scratch-off lottery ticket," Safer told the Ohio Senate today.  Several State Senators immediately took out loans with Mr. Safer after hearing about the huge potential for savings.

Fair-weather Trail Blazers fans wait for the streetcar in Portland

CINCINNATI - In approving the streetcar plan last week, the City of Cincinnati is making a bold change in its approach.  Over the years, both Reds fans and Bengals fans have been coddled by the city, with over half a billion spent on two stadiums, when one stadium would have worked perfectly fine.

But what about Cincinnati's fair-weather sports fans?  They haven't really been Reds fans since 1990, and many still haven't gotten over Super Bowl XVI.  By approving the streetcar plan, Council member Chris Bortz says the city is repaying these fair-weather fans for venturing downtown, despite the lack of a winning sports team.

"It is time that the city recognize that fair-weather fans are people too," said Bortz.

"Although Reds fans and Bengals fans are also welcome to use the streetcars, this was really for the fair-weather sports fans," continued Bortz, "Well-meaning people who will most likely never go to Great American Ballpark or Paul Brown Stadium."

"And we can understand why the fair-weather Reds fans and fair-weather Bengals fans would want to avoid the stadiums as much as possible," he said, "That's why we designed the streetcar route to go in the opposite direction, all the way to Uptown."

The Cincinnati Zoo Train Boondoggle

CINCINNATI - City Councilman John Cranley voted against financing of the streetcar plan that passed this week. Council had rejected Cranley's plan to paint pictures of streetcars on buses, or "rubber tire trolleys" as Cranley likes to call them.

Council's new plan includes a route in Uptown, which prompted Cranley to grill fellow council members on the fact that Uptown already has a rail route for mass transit.

"The zoo train has been around for many years now," said Cranley on Wednesday, "And it still hasn't done anything to revitalize the zoo's inner core around the reptile house."

Cranley also mentioned that even the trains at the Cincinnati airport hadn't increased neighboring property values.

"The zoo train and the airport trains are only used by people who go to the zoo and the airport," said Cranley, "What about the rest of us?"   

"Cincinnati doesn't need to look to Portland for examples," he said, "We've already got mass transit rail routes around here, and look at how they've failed miserably."